Sunday, 1 February 2009

MR P IS STILL ALIVE

Mr P has been in Italy over the past few weeks: doing a bit of this and that.

And He’s still alive.

Thank Gawd…I hear you all say. Yes – thank The Lord.

Still Alive after a near- death experience – and all because of Mrs P’s Bloody family.

It goes like this:

Went out one evening: Mr P, Mrs P,her younger brother Paulo and his girlfriend Monica (nice girl – bit opinionated, but otherwise okay). We go to this weirdo “Pub” – great according to younger Bro; all made up like a scene from Edgar Allan Poe – but with skeletons in each corner and drinks served by vampires….only in Italy can something this naff be in existence.

All I had was a piece of toast and a non-alcoholic fruit juice – cost me twenty five squid !! Younger Bro had two pints of some fizzy cold yellow stuff, which he laughingly referred to as “beer”.

Anyway – two hours later he’s driving us home; either side of us is the Venice canal – very thin road – and dense fog – not enough space to allow two cars through without a bit of give and take. “CAUTION – is needed” - I hear you all say.

Caution?

My Arse !

Younger Bro – just hits the pedal and starts to hammer through the fog – me and Mrs P in the back seat – him and Monica in the front.

He’s cranked up his car stereo – playing “Woman in Chains” by Tears for Fears (a great track circa 1989). It is very loud and my body is shaking with the boom of the base. It's putting my nerves on end.

Little Bro is smoking a foul Italian cigarette – which bounces up and down in his mouth as he jabbers away – which is often – because the silly sod is turning around in his seat to speak to me . Why is he speaking to me?

Because I am telling him to slow down, to turn that bloody music off and look where he’s going.

But will he?

Like hell he will – he just talks faster – arguing with me, wondering why I am so afraid, and he then speeds up – going 60+ miles per hour in dense fog – on a skinny Italian road – with canal either side…..like a said.

All along the way there are memorials to Italian Youths – who have died on this road – they wiz past like a dream – but I notice them, as well as the bat’s squeak of fear.

Nothing is working with this jerk – so I pray – grab Mrs P’s hand and vow that if I get out of this alive – I will change my ways – be kinder – be gentler – smell the flowers – walk the dogs more – love the neighbours – speak peaceably to everyone;

And deck this twat of an Italian brother in law with one swipe of my hoary hand and then bounce the car door off his head.

So I tap him on the shoulder and grab his earlobe and whisper in his ear (in Venetian dialect) – that I want him to speed up – so we get home quicker, while I’m still feeling mad – ‘cos when we get back I am going to spread his nose across his face and break his jaw into 10 digestible pieces.

P Club – let me tell you this:

Italians do not like violence – No Sir – they do not. And so twat Brother-In Law – slows down – straight away. So I tell him – to speed up – I need to get home quick –'cos his arse is grass.

He does not speed up and spends the next 10 minutes saying sorry.

So there we go – P is still here.

Alive and Well.

20 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

And we are so glad you are. Still with us, that is. Good strategy for slowing down the brother-in-law.
Now don't ever get in a car that is being driven by him again.

Steph said...

Benvenuto a casa signor ananas..

Paulo and Monica sound like a lively couple... do you feel threatened..?
Rilassati man, rilassati..
Baci Stephania

My Other Blog said...

A very harrowing tale, and to think - according to you, he was even driving on the wrong side of the road! Glad you & Mrs. P are still with us.

Law Minx said...

Thank GAWDS for that, thats what I say! I was beginning to think you had vanished into the ether, never to be hear of EVER again!!!!!

I'm glad you're still in one piece Mr P, and glad to see you back hopefully fully able to deck your imposter!

Are you Venitian, then? My Mum, bieng Florentine, thinks you lot speak with a lisp in your dialect!!

PS; When are you going to re-add me to your blog list?!

Sweet Virginia Breeze said...

So, is Younger Bro still alive?

Glad you are.

Fiona said...

Welcome back. I once had a similar experience on an icy road with my cousin's husband who thought his Volvo was invincible. Now I always insist I drive.

Heff said...

Oh. my. God. You listen to Tears for Queers, too ?!?!?

Bwahahahahaaaa !!!

monkey said...

Not such a clever man by all standards a couple of pints and a drive in the fog. P should have taken the wheel and given him a slap at the beginning.

Tamara said...

Hilarious! I wonder if that would work on my younger brother...

boXer girl said...

Italians don't like violence? ITALIANS DON'T LIKE VIOLENCE? Are you kidding me? Guess no one told my family...

(glad you and Mrs P are safe)

Ample said...

HA! well done! well written! I was sitting on the edge on my seat! Grabbing at his ear right along with you! Threatening his very existence! HA! Well done Mr P. And EXTREMELY well written!

Mr Pineapples said...

Hey P club..

Ms Moon - I have another story about Paulo and his car...which I will relate - but later.

Steph - you are naughty - sending me kisses like that. I always feel threatened when I stare imminent death in the face.

My Oyjer - trouble was - there is only one side of the road alongside Venice canals - straight down the middle; imagine the bump from a car coming the other way.

Minxtaaaa! - No I am not Venetian -but Mrs P is. I just picked up some of the dialect. They might speak with a lisp - but there is a heck of a lot of Spanish mixed up in the way they speeak.

Sweet Virginia - what a great name - all we got here right now is snow. Little Bro is still alive - and he still smokes.

Fiona - a close encounter eh? But Volvos are designed to withstand bumps. A woman driving? Bit dangerous that.

Heff - you wanna fight?

Monkey - me take the wheel? No sire - not me. Paulo has had crashes in the past - I should have realised what would happen.

Tamara - give me his address.

Boxer Babe - Italians and violence? I was comparing them to British youth - who believe me - do like a scrap. How many gears on an Italian tank? 12 - (11 for reverse and one for forward...but oyu knew that anyway.

Ample - nice to hear from you....well written? You little charmer.

Trubes said...

Crikey Mr P. that sound scary. Even if you got home safely you still should have smacked him...the idiot.
Have you read my good news on Trubies yet? I do hope so!

Di.xx

Heff said...

PINEAPPLES !!!! LMAO !!!

petit fleur said...

Dear Mr. Pineapples,

I've been seeing your blog listed on another site I visit often and have been curious about your name... and may I say you tell a heck of a story! I was feeling queasy just reading it.

So, how did you get or come up with the name Mr. Pineapples?

Peace, PF

Heff said...

No apology, but a response...

electro-kevin said...

Lunatic.

Do women actually find these chaps attractive ?

Heff said...

PINEAPPLES !!!! Here's your chance to KICK HEFF IN THE CROTCH - FREE OF CHARGE !!

C'mon over and HIT ME HARD !!!

Vodka Mom said...

Thank GOD! I would have missed your sorry arse.

xoxox

Heff said...

nulify non-wisdom, Pineapples.