Saturday, 30 August 2008


I can:

1. Click my tongue so loud that it sound like a shot-gun going off. It's amazing.

I get folks to sit quietly and then - "POW" - I click it. Always - always - always - they are amazed. P used to be a bit of a busker on the streets when He was a kid - and used the click to punctuate songs. The click can be heard 100s of yards away.

Awesome skill.

2. P can wiggle His ears. Totally brilliant skill. Some folks can wiggle theirs but they have to move the muscles in their faces to do it.

Mr P?

Just pure ear wiggle. No face interaction.

Folks are amazed.


Fear The P and His Skills.

I wonder what talents you have?

Monday, 25 August 2008


I loved every minute of it. Not that I saw every one – but you know what I mean.

Two weeks of sport – how can we knock it? P was utterly addicted to every thing. If you didn't enjoy the Olympics and were not enthralled by the sheer brilliance of it all - then you might as well give up on life right now.

Here are the thoughts of The P regarding the Olympics:

1. Britain invented most sports – it’s true – and sport is finally coming home to rest with us…’s true home. We achieved 19 Golds – bloody hell – that is unbelievable. Forth in the medal table – just pipped by Russia. A little country like us.

Don’t it make you proud to be British? And what a nation the British are:

· Inventors of the English language – the language of the World;

· The Industrial Revolution – started with us – while the French were sitting around their dinner tables sipping wine, eating Frog’s legs after ploughing the fields The Brits were reinventing the world;

· The Home of Parliamentary Democracy;

· The greatest modern musicians, poets, writers, actors – a nation of artists;

· The creators of Chicken Tikka Massala

· The inventors of the telephone, television, penicillin, the world wide web etc.. etc.. etc..this list would go on and on…

· The most impressive Empire known to man – and we gave it all up – we set countries up and then left them to get on with it – like America, Australia, India – they all belonged to us but we let them go. – because of our inbuilt humanity;

· The Rule of Law and The Common Law – the Mother and Father of legal systems – copied by many (The USA) but bettered by none.

And now the world knows that the true winners of the Olympics were the British. Imagine how many Golds we would have won had we the demographics of the USA.. Wow - zillions....probably all of them. Apart from Baseball of course.

2.Baseball? What? An Olympic sport? I know the Brits invented this game as well – but we disowned it yonks back.

I know it’s incredible – but yes – some clown allowed this pathetic travesty of a game to be described as Olympian. I mean – who plays baseball?

Okay – the Yanks play it and the Japanese – but that is all. Oh yes – and the 6 year old girls in every Primary School across this land of ours. Yes – the Olympics can be surreal as well as inspiring.

And beach volleyball? That is another joke.

Why not beach crochet? Or darts? Why not Beach Darts with fat beer swilling blokes showing their builders’ arses in cut-off tight jeans?

It’s a winner.

3.All this talk of London not being able to match the Chinese and the efforts of Bejing.

Okay – the Chinese games was truly the greatest so far – in terms of organisation and spectacle.

But there has been a lot of emphasis on the Opening and Closing Ceremonies – and hand wringing, with gnashing of teeth as to whether we (The Brits) can match what the Chinese did.

But do you know what? These ceremonies are Utter Krapp – embarrassing overblown farces. The P never watches them – apart from the first 10 minutes when the boredom level reaches its height.

Who gives a stuff about a bunch of lycra wearing loonies – climbing up a tower, waving their gloved hands in time to some drone beating a drum? I don't give a monkeys for all that cobblers and neither should you.


Seen them – and they are rubbish. Don’t want to see fireworks thanks – especially not on the telly.

The Olympic games are about SPORT – courage, competition, endeavour, skill and endurance – not about idiots running around letting off firecrackers.

I hope London isn’t fooled into even attempting to emulate that big waste of money.

Please God – don’t let the Big Brother mentality rule the Games of 2012 – with the Beckham-isation of every event. Simon Cowell and his cronies want to get their hands on the ceremonies and have the X-Factor and Rock Stars running the show.

Britain is more than this – although our 8 minutes of “Whole Lotta Love” was excellent – let’s leave it at that and show Simon Cowell and Beckham the door for 2012.

4.Phelps – 8 golds – he did good – but his sport allows him to swim in all of these races – the true great is Ben Ainsley – the sailer – 3 Golds in three consecutive Olympics. If he had 8 chances at a Gold medal – he would win them every year.

Phelps is to be commended – but he has massive feet and hands and produces only a third of the lactic acid produced by everyone else so his body doesn’t tire like normal folks – he’s a freak of nature.

5. Tennis - a strange sport to have in the Olympics perhaps - but what an inspiration Nadal is: he wins Wimbledon and then wins the Gold Bleedin' Olympic Medal. And he looked chuffed to bits to win it.

He is a winner and a credit to his sport.

Unlike that Flop - Haired miserable Scottish gitt Andy Murray. The little gett gets knocked out in Round One. He just couldn't be arsed. The Olympics were not important enough for the smile-less one.

I reckon I could beat him at tennis - I really could - he has no heart and no gutts.

Pathetic. That guy will Never win Wimbledon.

6. Scotland. Calls for the Scots to have their own Olympic team. Yea right. And what are they going to win next time? A Gold for tossing the caber - or swinging the haggis; how about Boozing - they are sure to win the Gold for that.

It's ridiculous.

We will have an Olympic team for the Isle of Wight next - or even the Isle of Sky - how about a team from Greater Manchester?


We are the British Isles for Gawd's sake - let's keep it that way.



Mr P will stop there – but P Club you get my drift – was my drift caught?

This Olympics was the greatest by far – it was two weeks of sheer brilliant telly.

Now – I guess it’s back to the boring old football.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Girls - Boys Further evidence

Here's another example:

For all you PAEDOPHILES who are finding their way onto this post - because you have searched for "Boys and Girls" on the internet: let me tell you - you are being tracked. You are ill.

You are not normal - you look it - but you know DEEP INSIDE that there is SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT...with you

You scum-bag suckers.

Little girl P's love doing their homework and have organised a homework chart - which they fill in and tick off when the work is done.

Little boy P's?

"Homework....explain that one to me again.."

The other day - P is working on the computer early. Little P lad comes in - hands me a filthy piece of paper, obviously been used to grease the hamster cage.

He says:

"Farth....fill this's important for school."

I says:

"What is it and when has it got to be in by?"


"It's my selection of my subjects for GCSE (exams) for next year and it had to be in by last week...and so you musnt hold it has to be completed right now."

I says:

"Hey this is important...and we need to think about it..."

He says:

"Why are you holding me up? This form has to be in...."

See what I mean....


Whistle while you work.

P’s lads are on a youth camp this week.

So P has to do all of their paper rounds. And here I am: the oldest paperboy in the South of England.

I’ve just finished – and I am totally cream-crackered. But I enjoy it: the thud of paper on carpet – the clipping letterbox snapping shut – the crunch of boots on driveway – the barking dogs and twitching curtains – it’s all joy.

Trouble is

… boys aint so enthusiastic…the little Philistines.

If you only knew the weekly hassle I have in getting the little blighters out of that door, and down the road to deliver the bleedin' papers. They just don’t want to do it. Sometimes when it’s peeing down with rain – I end up doing it for them. And that is krap….and weak.

We have a system:

My daughters put the leaflets in the papers and my boys deliver. And the contrast between male and female is never starker than in this division of labour.

My girls come home from school - and the first thing they do?

They get the leaflets done. You should see them – no hesitation – no blubbing – no complaining – they just get right on with it. The task is completed days before schedule. So perfunctory in their approach.

But my boys? Oh me Gawd – anyone would think I was subjecting them to weekly torture.

Why is this? Can someone offer an explanation as to why the girls just get on with it whilst the boys' energies are directed towards wriggling out of it?

My other system

I have another system for getting jobs around the house done.

Mrs P was complaining that she was doing ALL of the work whilst we (me and the lads) were watching the boxing and football and generally lazing. So I sorted out a rota – with every kid (and me) getting a job to do every day – it went up on the wall – with days at the top and jobs down the side – with the name of the worker put in each box.

Honest-ta-Gawd – it’s a brilliant system.

My girls love it – and enthusiastically tackle each job – can’t wait to see what jobs they have for that day….and just get on with it….no blubbing and complaining…

Anyway – within days the chart is covered in arrows and lines and crossings-out. The girls know nothing about this and are as perplexed as I am. So

I say to the boys:

“Okay – what’s all this krap on the chart?”


“Well – I swapped two jobs with him and then he swapped one with him over there and then we didn’t think it was fair to give us that job on boxing days and so we crossed that one off and changed this one for that job…and anyway the girls aren’t doing as many as us…which isn’t fair, and so we tried to even it out…and then it’s also unfair that we have to walk the dogs on two consecutive days..and….”

I tell you P Club


This is not just my problem.

I went for lunch with an old mate today. He says to me:

“Mr P – how do you motivate your boys to do their school work; my daughter is fine and gets on with it – but my son just wants to play tennis and golf – what’s the answer?”

Bloody Hell. I don’t know – I am still working on it.


We treat our kids the same – no favouritism – all are encouraged – built up – praised etc….but there is definitely a difference between boys and girls.

Girls = organised, disciplined and serious minded
Boys = disorganised, and couldn’t give a stuff.

What’s the Answer P Club?

Mrs P blames Me. She says the good traits are inherited from her (discipine, eye for detail, getting the job done, seriousness) and the girls are lucky enough to inherit these characteristics from her. That it has nothing to do with being a boy or girl.

She says the bad traits are inherited from Me (anarchistic, unruly and anti-establishment) and the boys are unlucky enough to inherit these characteristics from me.

It's Utter Bollocks of course.

There is most certainly a difference between male and female.

Don't cha-think?