Saturday, 26 July 2008

I COULD SPIT

So incensed P Club

Just been reminded that the National Opera House in UK gets a grant from UK Government (my arse) of £25 million each bloody year

Yea Gods

£25 bloody million Squid!!

Yea-Bloody Gods

I am totally in a crazed frame of mind about this.

Listen - P is a lawyer - and certain lawyers (the important serious ones) apparently should be loving Opera and all that Krap.

BUT I DONT ...IN FACT I HATE THAT STUFF.

Let's face up to it: Nobody likes Opera; it's the Emperor's New Clothes syndrome: folks pretend they like it only to look good - to be seen to be a part of the establishment. And it's the bloody establishment who is choosing to spend our money on this garbage.

Shrieking in a foreign language like a bunch of pneumatic drills - wearing 17th century costumes and lurching about the stage pretending to do a bit of acting. That is Opera - pared back to the roots.

P went for a few drinks with some QC's the other day after a case I had been dealing with(QC's are barristers at the top of their profession). The talk was of private schools and the bloody Opera. They asked Mr P His views. What did P say?

"Dunno - I am into Boxing"

TOTAL BLOODY SILENCE.

It was as if I'd just announced my membership of the Nation of Islam.

Name me one person...just one who actually likes Opera -for the artistic element and not for lathering the ego with "Look at me - I am sitting in an Opera House - listening to Opera - with all these Big Knobs....which must make me a Big Knob too."Go on - give me just one name.

Betcha-can't do it.

COS NOBODY LIKES IT

THEY CAN'T DO

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE

36 comments:

Law Minx said...

My Dear P,

Let's face it - Opera is the music of the upper middle classes and the enormously wealthy. I personally find it completely disgusting that the NOH recieves such an obscene ammount of money when so few of the masses can actually access its wares, should they desire to; I am not a HUGE opera fan ( large numbers of enormous people bawling "I love you" at one another from opposite sides of the stage for 3 hours) but I can put up with it in small doses, because some of it can be enjoyable.However, the fact that I could get into La Scala in Milan with a minimum of fuss whereas to get into Covent Garden I would have to sleep with the POPE, or something, speaks eons for the cultural attitude in this country. Some folks are just plain determined that the working class should never aspire to either education, or sophistication ( as I was reminded at a recent pupillage interview by a competitor, who had the temerity to suggest that I was " out of my depth" )

Mr Pineapples said...

Minxta - I am gob-smacked by the comment made by your competitor: "out of my depth"? About what exactly?

The best lawyers in the UK are either Welsh or Jewish (so I was recently reminded by a legal clerk in court). They have the natural linguistic flow.

I hope you laughed in that person's face. And then flicked a nob of ink onto their shirt.

See - I dont think opera is sophisticated - it's a trick - a slight of the hand. We need someone like Mr P to stand up mid oraria and shout to the silent throng:

"This is all Bollocks".

The penny would suddenly drop and the whole house would, as one, stand and follow Mr P to the entrance. He would then lead them en-mass down to the local tandoori for a jolly old Onion Barjee, Vindaloo and pillau rice.

That's all it would take, believe me.

boXer girl said...

I've never been to an opera, heard an opera, read about an opera... in fact, I think this is the first time I'm ever saying the word "opera" - but I can completely understand what you are saying, Mr P. I equate your take on the opera to Starbucks. Coffee is coffee, isn't it? But heading into the office with my own styrofoam cup of my own home-perked java is pathetic. Now, enter the office holding a grande-fancy-latte or an iced Venti stirred-something and suddenly I'm the cool cat of the office - invited to sit at the "in" table at lunch. And all I had to do was spend 10 freaking bucks on a single cup of coffee.

(and now I have an addiction to caffeine) (which is better than being addicted to the opera, I guess)

Ms. Moon said...

Good Lord but you British are so cultured! We would never even think to have a conversation about opera here in the U.S
Well, maybe some people do, but certainly none I know.

BBC said...

Hey Bloke (who runs this blog) - you need to get a hobby outside of bloggin; your arse off.

It's pretty frigging clear who runs my blog. Learn to read and understand. And don't worry about my blog, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Just noticed that you have said the following:

"I am a spiritual being having a screwed up human experience here."

Just wanted to make the following comment in response to that:

WHAT A TOTAL TOSS - POT


So are you, ya dumb shit, stop by for a beer some time.

SPIRITS DOINGS

Law Minx said...

My Dear P,

I suggest a visit to the Tate Modern, which is a tremendously theraputic space in which to proclaim ( at the top of one's lungs)" Culture is a Walloping Load of Fetid Dingoe's Kidneys!!". This certainly works for me, I must say!!
Whilst I agree that Opera can be high handed these days, its only because the upper middle classes have made it so; there was a time when it consituted entertainment for the masses, but as with every good idea of the working classes, it was usurped and cornered off by people who didnt have the imagination to think of it for themselves. Ho Hum.
My Rival suggested that my university education invariably meant that I was ( and I quote) "punching above (my) weight; (I'd)do better to stick with regional pupillage,(I) could at least cope there"
This made me feel AWFUL - in fact, it reduced me to tears. Whats the point of struggling to be accepted if I have to deal with people like THAT every day?!! :((

Mr Pineapples said...

hey Boxer gal....you have put it so right there. I never buy coffee from Mega-Bucks or Costa-lot-coffee. It's more cool (I reckon) to be seen getting the cheap stuff.

Ms Moon - welcome to the world of the British establishment. the law is full of this krap over here. In the States - you are all citizens - equal to everyone else. In the UK - your education and accent mark you out as being "One of Us" or "One of them". It stinks and is not consistent with being a meritocracy. It has to go.

My Dear BBC - sorry old bloke - i came across your blog ages ago - and it was so pretentious and mad (in a bad way) - that Mr P couldnt resist having a dig. I guess you aint as "spiritual" as you make out - otherwise my daft ramblings wouldnt screw you up so much...and cause such an over - reaction in you.

Law Minx - you poor old gal. Life at the Bar can be a bit like this. Bullshitters bull-shiting. Next time this happens - dont cry - but laugh...out-loud...and then do it again. I spent a bit of time in Cardiff Crown Court this week - and I found the Welsh Barristers to be the most amiable and seriously humourous bunch of folks I have encountered for a long long time. And very able too. Celebrate who you are - and realise dick-heads like that are at the very core -INSECURE.

Amen

P

Has

Spoken

BBC said...

f you were truly "spiritual" - why would you get so UPSET about an idiot like me making fun of you.

You can't offend me, and you know little about spirit yet. One part of spirit is twisted and risque, anyone that doesn't understand that hasn't figured out spirit very well yet.

No, swearing hasn't came with old age, spirit has always swore, but more on my blogs than in person. They are often my place to rant about the fucking world.

Sleep with the Pope? Fuck that, besides, his girlfriend is a goat.

BBC said...

Can't say that I know much about being a Granddad, it's okay for those that like it I guess.

Haven't been around my grand daughter much and she is pretty much a loner anyway. I Don't even have anything to do with my kids anymore, society has fucked them too much.

I helped make too girls, and adopted a son (he came with his mother), but never really had much need for kids myself, they just got in the way of my fucking which is why I got married in the first place.

So that I wouldn't have to be chasing pussy all the time. That and I like the idea of marriage.

Bagpuss said...

Me. I like it (ducks)

Honestly. Although I do prefer the lighter end - not sure I'll ever reach the stage where I would enjoy Wagner, though.

Having said that, I' have never been to the ROH though, too bloody expensive.

I also enjoy ballet and live theatre, despite being common as much really (I blotted the family record by becoming a lawyer, but most of my ancestors were publicans...)

Mr Pineapples said...

Dear man from BBC

What the heck are you going on about? Spirit?

Do you make up the rules? Is it all relative? Are we our own gods?

Yea Gods

Radovan Karadzic is spiritual apparantly - and so was Stalin.

It's eye wash - all of it.

Sorry to read that you are not in contact with your kids. Seems like you have lost all meaning.

Mr Pineapples said...

hey Bagpuss - welcome to P blog. We welcome the cultured on here - and you are it.

So tell me

What is it you like about opera? I need educating. This is a genuine -heart-felt question.

Give us the low down on the opera?

BBC said...

Which institution are you folks holed up in?

BILLYVILLE..... Send beer.

BBC said...

Mr P is thinking of becoming one of the Omnipresent Spirits. How do I join?

There is no organization to speak of, not one that has beer created yet anyway. There is no application, no dues, no collection plates. You just one day realize that there isn’t any omnipotent biblical god out there and that if there was you would hate the son of a bitch.

Hell, that make believe fool can’t even control the weather, that’s nature. You just figure out that you are part of the all so that also makes you the all. Part of the collective consciousness of a spirit of this planet. But that is all it is, spirit, and not an all powerful one.

If things like wars, greed, destruction and such bother your soul and you would rather be at a peaceful place and fair place then you are on you way to becoming part of the spirit. Membership of course also includes all the bullshit out there that you have to run through your bullshit filter properly. If mankind does wake up and evolve into god they are screwed because no fruitcakes in any bibles are going to be showing up to fix it all.

Our ancestors shouldn’t have played with their brains so much, they really screwed things up with all that bullshit they made up before science started getting good enough to figure things out. And only through science will we get things figured out and possibly evolve into god. Or not, mankind may destroy itself first, time will tell. Meanwhile drink a little beer and be peaceful.

The great spiritual gathering in my area is the 15th of August. Peaceful paths.

Mr Pineapples said...

Well...Mr BBC

I went down the Post Office this morning to get an application form and I mentioned the "Omnipresent Spirit" to the man behind the counter and he looked at me as if I'd gone raving mad.

I guess that I will have to do my Omniprescene on my tod - in the bedroom with the curtains shut.

Still - it beats Big Brother

Anonymous Boxer said...

You come back to my blog on Friday and you'll see boxing.

I promise.

Old Knudsen said...

I came here looking for pineapples and all I got was this lousy t-shirt masking a low esteem.
Come to my blog on Friday and you'll get boxing, of course it will be yer ears.

Ka-Chow!

Old Knudsen said...

so yer from the US, not that I have anything against that, Dick Van Dyke is also American and does a great cockney accent cor blimey.

Mr Pineapples said...

Hey Boxer....I will be there.

Hey old Knuts-cackers

How many fags have you smoked to get a face like that?

Old Knudsen said...

Spit the dog called he wants his material back.

And you didn't complain last nite.

Fiona said...

I like opera in small doses but as someone who has spent a lot of time campaigning for the Scottish Arts Council to increase funding for Scottish traditional music from 0.5% to 1.5% I completely agree that far too much is spent on 'high' art for a select few.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Sir........ whenever you have a moment? You're invited over.

I see you've been sparring with Old K. That's nice.

Ms. Moon said...

Well, Mr. P, there is a similar situation here in the US where if you speak with an ummm...Southern accent, you are perceived as a sibling-marrying, watermelon eatin', Christian-Right dumb ass.
But I think you're right- it's not quite as damnifying as what y'all deal with in the good old Mother Land.

electro-kevin said...

I walked out on Puccini's La Boheme during the interval. I know that to leave a gap in the audience is rude but my arse was numb.

I couldn't even fake enthusiasm or pretend to be cultured.

Cultured ???

Apparently many a Mafioso likes it - that's posh for Italian scrote.

Hopper said...

Hi Mr. Pineapple... just wanted to stop by and thank you for taking tyhe time and leaving your thoughts on my blog... it's always good to make new friends... and lawyers and English none the less... and so I went ahead and looked up a clinic in London that might be able to help you out...

LINK

Mr Pineapples said...

My dear Friend Fiona - ock-eey- tha-noo....great that you like opera - but not the hard core stuff...what-cha-like about it? P needs educatin'

hie Ms Moon - hope you're well. yes - P can imagine a form of snobbishness in the US - but it's an institutional issue over here. You are lucky in that you dont have to put up with all of this nonesense.

Hey Kevo - that was a great post old bud - so glad to see you walking out - but next time you must shout "This is all bollox - I'm off down the pub - who's coming?"

Hie No Hoper - P came on to your site to add to the knowledge. You really dont need to thank me. Re the instituion you recommend - O has been there alrady - and it did Him a lot of good. Thanks

Law Girl said...

P- I do love you , but then so does everyone. You have stolen the crown I wanted for myself- renegade barrister. Oh I would have paid as much as what they charge at the ROH to see the looks on the faces of the others at the pub when you said you like boxing! I like things as different as Holst's planet suite, watching MTV base all day,(today's highlights being run's house and an LLCoolJ reminisce) pontificating about article 8 and making chocolate truffle cakes and two-hour ragu alla nonna. Also, fast cars and top gear stunts, arsenal, canoeing, and swearing (not necessarily in that order). and SHOES. Do you think I'll fit in at the bar??!!

Bagpuss said...

Hi Mr P,

I would have replied sooner but just after posting my previous comment my hard-drive imploded leaving me stranded, computer-less. Is this likely to happen every time I comment here? Because if so, I shall go back to lurking anonymously instead.

So:

Why I like opera.

• The music is nice. I have always enjoyed listening to classical music as well as the more popular kind, and it turns out that most operas are stuffed full of classical music, with the added advantage that some of it is quite hum-able.
• It’s like theatre (I also enjoy live theatre) so is more interesting to watch that a ‘straight’ concert. The plots are, frankly, unbelievable, but if you let that stop you you’d have to give up most theatre, film and TV as well.
• It can be funny. Honestly. The first opera I saw was ‘Marriage of Figaro’ performed by the ENO, which meant that it came in English so you could actually understand what was going on. It’s just like Gilbert & Sullivan, only with slightly better music. I think it becomes harder to enjoy if you see a production in the original language without the benefit of sur-titles (I don’t speak any other language to be able to translate lyrics as they go along) – for me, at that point, it turns into a concert with boring / incomprehensible talking bits in.

I first went because there was a shiny new theatre opened up (Lowry Centre in Salford) and that was what was on. I went out of curiosity and found I actually enjoyed it, so I went again. I do think that it suffers from snobbishness - I’ve never been to the ROH as it is far too expensive but I don’t really see the point of going just to be seen (what’s the sense of dressing up in posh (uncomfortable) clothes to…er..sit in the dark…?) I think it would benefit from being more accessible – proms in the park style, so more people could get a taste without having to fork out ridiculous sums of money.

My own opinion is that if you like classical music and live theatre than you will probably like opera, if you don’t , you probably won’t. (although seem to recall that the Wagner at Glastonbury a couple of years ago was surprisingly popular) If you wanted to give it a go, I would advise starting with something frothy and in english (Carmen Jones, Gilbert & Sullivan, ENO Mozart or Rossini and take it from there.

I personally don’t see it as wanting to be part of the establishment or to be seen as cultured (although I’m sure that there are those who go for those reasons, Just as I am sure that there are those who go to rugby / football / cricket matched because they want to be seen as being ‘of the people’ or ‘one of the boys’) I just like the noise it makes.

Bagpuss.

PS, where do you stand on Shakespeare?

Mr Pineapples said...

Me Darlin' Law Girl

Well - so nice to hear from you after all this time.

D'ya-know-what? There are quite a few renegade barristers out there. Mostly the criminal lawyers. The best ones are those that can tell a good story - and most of the buggers can't - no imagination - and lacking in any witt. But some are great.

P was in Cardiff Crown Court last week - and what a bunch of lunatics they were - havent laughed so much for ages. Not like the po-faced gitts in the South of England....which is where P operates mostly.

The best barristers must have the common touch - to be able to get along with, empathise and be human with their clients. That takes a certain emotional intelligence. I pride myself on being able to do that. It's important.

As for you - well you seem perfect material for the Bar - so much you can talk about - and colourful too.

BE REMEMBER-ABLE (for good reasons)- if folks think you actually like them - that is a bloody good start.

I represented a bunch of mafia style gypsies (travellers) recently - and we got on famously because we could discuss the bleedin' boxing.....not the Arts.

You will do very well indeed. Secret is - be unapologetic about who you are....be yourself....if you like boxing tell 'em so...

Not that you do.

Mr Pineapples said...

Scrumptious BAGPUSS

What a wonderful post.

I happen to like ENO myself - but he did go strange after he left Roxy Music. And as for Gilbert O'Sullivan - well I am so glad he ditched that ridiculous hat and baggy trousers.

Must admit - your post has got me thinking. So Opera can be enjoyable eh? You say so - and I believe you.

I do find myself enjoying a bit of classical singing now and again - but I was intimidated by the singing in a foriegn language.

Perhaps I will give it a go after all.

I mean - we have to be open minded about things.

Shakespeare? - I love it all. I have been to see Hamlet at the Old Vic (Albert Finney as Hamlet)and a bunch of plays at Stratford. I always find it's hard to understand what's going on at first - with the language - but soon it begins to flow more easily.

Good Gawd - Bagpuss - aint me and you a bunch of toffe-nosed little art lovers? Eh?

Such a cut above all the rest?

Definitely

Law Minx said...

My Dear P,

Albert Finney as Hamlet? Either you are showing your age, or Mr Finney was rather poor at passing himself off as either Polonius or Claudius or Even King Hamlet ( the Ghost!!!):)

Mr Pineapples said...

Albert Finney - it's true - it was when I was a little kid in school - it was my first ever outing to the Shakespeare.

Been - quite a few times since then.

But nothing can quite beat Albert Finney as Hamlet.

Law Minx said...

My Dear P,

I think you'll find that David Tennant most Certainly Can!! (*Drooool*)

Make Mine A Pimms said...

Mr P! You make me laugh lots! xxx

electro-kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
electro-kevin said...

My brother took one of the patients to panto as a test to see if he might be well adjusted enough to enjoy deeper things such as opera.

After Buttons had done his "He's behind yoooo !" bit and he'd seen the 'ghost' and upbraided the audience with the tedious "Well why didn'tchya tellll meeee ?"

My brother's charge gets to his feet and shouts "But we DID fuckin' tell ya, you deaf twat !"

Test failed.

I know what you're going to say.

Let's all take him to the Opera.