Thursday, 23 October 2008


Nearly there P Club....keep with it....the dénouement is imminent.

Let me tell you about my client: the schoolteacher.

He was a very normal, unassuming sort of geezer - not demanding, not slagging anyone off, just straightforward - a normal bloke - keen on sport - loved football, loved his wife - loved being a teacher.

I really liked the man. We got on like a house on fire – he even laughed at my jokes – and went along with everything I said. Some clients can be a total pain in the arse.

He did appear at times a tad listless, slightly disengaged from the process - his mind distracted. But he was keen to answer my questions and to assist me in any way.

Obviously - he was stressed out by the whole thing and had not enjoyed his suspension from work, knowing that his career and reputation were hanging in the balance. He managed to hide his stress very well, but he was nervous – by Gawd – I could tell that.

He was accompanied to court by supporters - and his wife came too. The whole gang of them were great - buzzing with anticipation and eager for our chap to win.

Barristers cannot train their clients on what to say in the witness box - coaching is forbidden in the UK. But I always say this to my clients:

"Tell the truth - simply tell it like it happened. Don't get annoyed by the other side's barrister - don't get angry and upset. You will be attacked, and called a liar, but you mustn’t let it get you down. At all costs do not get angry because that's what they want - a reaction - to prove that you are a voluble and violent man. Regard it all as a bit of a game, and never ever take personal offence as to what is said. The barrister has no personal dislikes he’s just doing his job."

The teacher got up there and was as good as gold - came across as sincere and hardworking - he told it just like it happened; no guilding the lilly and no colouring of detail.

He had indeed been let down by the school and judged before the facts were known - but he did not attack the headmaster in any way - on the contrary he uttered words of support throughout his evidence.

The Crown’s barrister was totally krap – as weak as dishwater – a wimp of the highest order. Some barristers should have been solicitors – they lack personality in the court – lack courage and the biting will to win.The Crown Barrister attacked him - called him a "violent aggressor", "a liar", and "a bad teacher and a danger to children". But our chap just took it mildly and said that he was sorry to hear those words.

I also called 2 other teachers in the school to give character references for him. They declared that he was a thoroughly sound teacher, who cared deeply about the kids, worked long hours and was passionate for his job.

The man did extremely well, and I know that he made a very good impression on the jury.


So to my closing speech


Vodka Mom said...

and........what has happened with the teacher???

Mr Pineapples said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr Pineapples said...

Vodka mum - where ya bin?

Patience please

I am going to summarise my closing speech and then


My Other Blog said...

At that point, the judge should have dismissed the entire case.

Mr Pineapples said...

My other blog - good point

I could have made a "half time submission" - that there was little evidence to convict.

But - we did have a badly injured child - and an eye witness so the submission would not have worked.

And also I might have shot my fox with the jury much too early by doing a speech at half time

electro-kevin said...

I would have thought that the Head's outburst earlier would have caused problems.

electro-kevin said...

... technical problems, perhaps.

Tamara said...

Gah! How can you keep us in suspense like that? You're cruel, Mr P!

Swiss Tony said...

Mr P, as we are doing closing speeches at bar school in 2 weeks time, can you get a wriggle on so that I can learn from the master first?


boXer girl said...

If your skill at delivering a closing speech is anything close to the same skill you use in keeping your blog friends in suspense, than I surmise you shall win your case! (you always have me on the edge of my seat)

Mr Pineapples said...

Hey Gang....The P is going to speed up - aware that this tale has dragged on for quite a while. But there have been circumstances beyond P's control.

Kev- Head's outbursts could have caused problems - but our guy wanted to get on with it. The judge warned the jury to dismiss these comments and I deal with them in the closing speech.

Tamara - you are dead right - P is a slowcoach - but the end is nigh

Swizz - P is going to give you some pointers - He is indeed a master at the art of advocacy - secret is to be normal, likeable, clear and utterly compelling

Boxer Babe - keep with it - so glad you're there transfixed by The P.


monkey said...

P - loving this read the first post way back and left it untill now, just read all and although the the behaviour of the head sounds far fetched i cn relate as my previous head was a liar and devious person. Im rooting for the Teacher your doing a great job and hes very lucky to have you.

Anonymous said...

You have been a very naughty boy. Your bottom needs a good spanking. You naughty boy!


(whatever that means, you sick little fuck) See my own blog and your daft comments.

Anonymous said...

OK you daft little fucker, ring me on my mobile 07905 182777 if you think you have the guts...

Anonymous said...

You piece of shit...

Anonymous said...

You need to get somebody in a professional sense to examine and quantify what exactly you are suffering from, I mean in the mental sense. From what I glean from your internet contact, you live alone in your house, have a hallway that needs a clear out in the sense that it is full of rubbish; you live in a what could be classified as a "dirty" house insomuch as your rooms are full of things you have accumulated over the course of a few years.

You are, in anybody's way of thinking classified as a "dirty person"

Thank your lucky stars that nobody on the internet can see how you ACTUALY live.

Mr Pineapples said...

Hey Monkey - great to have you too.

The Head was indeed a devious person - read on for more of the Head

Hey Rab Knees - great to have you on board - keep with the story - more to come.

Anonymous said...

I think that you would like my blog as it appears now. Why not come over and take a gander? PS how's yer uncle Soprano?

Anonymous said...


Mr Pineapples said...

Hie Rob...great to have you on the show. Keep with the story.

P did come onto your blog-site and noticed that you have put up a picture of a youth with a brace around his teeth.

P never had a brace when He was a youth - but has heard they can be quite painful.

All the best

I am sure your problems can be sorted

Anonymous said...

But has posted a pic of your type with a laptop. What is that phrase that americans say? Oh, thassit...


Anonymous said...

Mad skills - I has them. NIGGA PLEASE!

Mr Pineapples said...

Hey Rab - you appear to be a racist nutter.


Law Minx said...

OI, Mr P!!! You are leaving us all in suspenders! Where is the denoument, the resolution of this matter?!? I have no fingernails left!!!

Mr Pineapples said...


Where ya bin?

Good to have you back.

I will be unleashing the latest chapter this weekend.

Law Minx said...

Oh you know, the usual, that bieng the severe lack of pupillage -itis. I am fully recovered now though. Cant wait to read what happened next!!! :)