Thursday, 18 September 2008


What was slightly surprising about this case was what occurred on the way to my car after the excitement of day one in the court. Never happened to me before or since.

Very much a one off - so not going to make a very big fuss of it - just one of those things.

This case was in a city with a port – a large city – a rough-house sort of place - a great city for being a defence barrister (so they say) as most of the jury are criminals themselves and are likely to be sympathetic to fellow crims (so they say). I don’t believe a word of it myself. But this place is not the sort of place, which attracts the finer elements of society.

Anyway – there I am walking back to my car in the deserted multi story when two oiks walk out of the shadows. One youth – short hair – tattoos (I know – just a typical British youth) – the other was older – fat geezer.

Gawd this sounds clich├ęd.

Old geezer goes:

“You’d better not get that f****** paedo off....”

So I says:

“Sorry – who are you again?”

Old Geezer goes:

“Never mind that – you get that f***** off and we’re going to f****** hammer you…and him….”

So I says:

“Well that’s something to look forward to.”

So next thing – youth with the knuckles punches me in the face.

Catches me above my left eye – I wasn’t expecting it – but if you’re going to be a smart-arse then its best to either get your retaliation in first or run.

Anyway – I just legged it – all the way back to my car.

They didn’t follow me. I don’t know who the hell they were – and I have never troubled myself to find out.

No point fighting back – can you imagine the headlines:

“Barrister for accused teacher, assaults family of child in car park” (Presuming - that's who they were...but I don't know).

Not a case winner.

So the next day in court – I appear with a nasty cut above my eye (I had a bit of scar-tissue there – and it ripped open) and bruising all around it. I could see the judge eyeing me suspiciously – but the jury seemed amused.

Being British nothing was said and we


No - I havent pressed charges - and not going to either - what's the bleedin' point.


Ms. Moon said...

Holy shit! Mr. P! This is very scary.

Vodka Mom said...

Who the hell hurt my Mr. Pineapples? I wlil KICK THEIR ASSES!! Don't you worry, I'll be right over....

I totally want you to win that case. totally. (However, you may want to watch your back,,,)

boXer girl said...

I have connections, Mr P, so just say the word and I'll call Uncle Vinny!

Have you considered hiring a bodyguard? Just so happens I'm looking for a job. I'd be honored to watch over your smart-arse.

Swiss Tony said...

Blimey. I now wonder if the Jury will actually carry you out on their shoulders when you get the teacher off.

Why has everyone got it in for the teacher and wanting him out of a job? Does he give the kids too much homework?


Law Minx said...

My Dear P,

O My God, this is seriously scary! What if you had been a woman?! It doesn't bear thinking about!The temptation to pop them one right back must have been overwhelming!!!!! The people that attacked you are plainly swimming at the shallow end of the Gene Pool!!!!!!

MikeP said...

Now you have me on the edge of my seat. What can possibly come next.

Law Girl said...

you ok? stupid ******. Not worth pressing charges. But I thought you were a boxer P?!

My Other Blog said...

Ok, you've now dragged this story on for two weeks, and I'm getting very cranky, but I'll continue reading because of the line:

"Being British nothing was said and we


But, do wrap this up before Christmas, would you?

Vodka Mom said...

just checking on you Mr. P. Hope you have recovered from your "misadventure." Did we get the thugs yet?

BBC said...

Well I would have fucking hit him back, it pisses spirit off when someone hits him. I was raised in a mining town and I don't take that shit.

Anonymous said...

I had to laugh, you have a very ripe imagination! Daft little cunt. Not bad for a fifteen year old kid. Are you using this shite for some sort of school report or an exam?

What really makes me laugh is that these poor gullible shites swallow up that crap you spout as gospel! How d'yer dae it?

Have you told any of your readers that you are just a schoolboy using your ma's computer?

Whit a fockin' calamity! (as Oor Wullie whidhae said)

Ah love the shite you spout but ye have tae draw a fockin' line.

If ye keep on trackin with the bad stuff you put on other people's blogs, one day it will catch up with you.

Love you tae bits, pal

Anonymous said...

"What was slightly surprising about this case was what occurred on the way to my car"

You haven't got a car, your are still fifteen and can't drive.

You can fool some of they fockers but you can't fool me.

Anonymous said...

Whit a wanker! You are not even old enough tae have a drivin' licence! You don't even have a motor! How can ye try tae fool these people with all this shite! Ye are jest a feckin' schoolboy with an over active imagination! Whit a calamity!

elizabeth said...

That's not so fun. (You got some fans hey Mr P? Maybe that guy was the one who decked you?)

electro-kevin said...

What is Ron Knee on about ?

Ha ha !

Anyways, Mr P. Why didn't you see the judge in camera ? Or report it to the police ?

So now the teacher's a paedo as well. Nice people, eh ?

Mr Pineapples said...

Hie P Club....been away for a while - but back now.

Ms Moon - scary? Probably - but only if they carry knives - which they tend to do in the UK these days

VodkaMummy - I bet you could sort them out proper - if anybody could

BoxerBabe - you're still on the team; I could call My Cousin Vinny or my dog -whose called Vinny

Swizz Tone - they certainly had it in for teach - have a few theroris why

Minxtaaa - whats happened to your blog? Shallow end? Totally. But just normal British thugs - see them everywhere.

MikeP - keep with it bro

LawGirl - two against one....dont want the hassle to be honest - in my club we dont encourage scrapping outside of the ring

Myotherblog - no slam dunk her - keep with it

BBC - you da hard man

Rod Knee - welcome to P Club - hope your stay is an interesting and invigorating one - we might help you with your spelling too

elizabeth - nice to have you on board - who said life wasnt funny?

Kevo - judge wouldnt do anything - lot of tutting etc - but thats it - as for the paedo thing - nothing surprises me.

electro-kevin said...

Trying to nobble a barrister takes things to a different level, no ?

Mr Pineapples said...

Trouble was Kev.....I might have risked a re-trial. I didnt want that because it was going so well.

I did a case once for the prosecution against a bunch of Glaswegian Gangster types - knee cappers to a man. I got into the lift with them during the trial - just them and me.....and they were as nice as pie.

Didnt understand a bleedin' word they said - but they knew that it didnt help them to threaten me.

Those dicks in the car park might have succeeded had I complained.

To be honest - I couldnt be arsed with the hassle.

electro-kevin said...

Is there any way to get them prosecuted afterwards ?

I'm very angry that they think they can get away with this.

The Glasgee knee-cappers - I had similar hair-raisiness with a chap in the Vicci trial at Old Bailey No 1 court. I got into a full on fight with a jury knobbler who'd tried to get into the public gallery (the judge had ordered police security)

Turns out the guy I had a fight with (and nicked) was the main suspect for killing one of the Great Train robbers. Very scary when he told me that he was coming after me when we got him in the custody block. I didn't waver at this trial though - he got a year for assaulting a police officer.

electro-kevin said...

A blogger called Lilith may be coming to ask your advice - I hope I wasn't being out of order in directing her here.

(Lovely lady)