Tuesday, 9 September 2008


I hate the Law.....honest-ta-Gawd - it's getting on my knockers - it really is..

Being a Barrister is just no good anymore – why don’t I get a proper bleedin’ Job?

This week I have had two cases adjourned – yesterday because the Court had listed 3 cases on the same day and took 5 hours to decide what to do – whilst I sat with my lunatic client discussing football and the evils of the Police; today – the defendant wasn’t sure that she was insured for the Court case and my clients couldn’t guarantee that they would receive damages if they won.

So – P got sent home.

What bollocks is this?

Still – let me tell you about a case I completed recently. I think we need a big debate at P Club – something to get our brain cells jigging it.

Most of my clients are either mad (paranoid schizophrenia is the catch-phrase) or basically bad (plain evil). However, I do chase some serious Crims around the globe, which is quite satisfying. I detest those who rob and defraud big sums of money whilst setting up family members to take the Can if it all goes pear-shaped.

Check out The Proceeds of Crime Act (and shiver with fear)

But P Club – listen to the following little tale – and P will do it in parts. It’s not jam-packed with gore or action or intrigue – but it does say a lot about our society.

You will not be titillated or thrilled – but I hope my little case will engender a major philosophical debate.


Our teacher had been charged with ABH (Actual Bodily Harm) against a pupil. A very serious matter –suspended immediately and had been sitting at home, fretting his heart away for 9 months; facing a prison sentence – and the end of his career.

He was bricking it.

So along comes The P.

Our Scenario:

Our teacher – teaching in a special school for emotionally disturbed and behaviourally “challenged” kids – those the State Schools couldn’t deal with. Coop them all up under one roof – let them smoke – swear – fight – and live it up. Give them lots of rope – few rules – many privileges.

Teacher teaching one day in the class. Door smacks open mid lesson and in runs behaviourally “challenged” kid – kid smacks a kid in the face –spits in the face of another kid and calls the teacher:

“Wanker” – “fudge packer” and “c***”. (What is a “fudge packer”?)

Why did he do this? What's his game eh? Why so naughty?

Dunno – nobody knows – but he is emotionally disturbed and “challenged” – so with that label he has to dish out a bit of shit now and again – just to keep it all going.

Our teacher tries to protect the other kids – bundles nutty kid out of the room – nutty kid punches teacher in the face and knees him in the bollocks. A computer goes flying - and two other kids kick off.

Mayhem - screaming and yelling -

As kid is bundled out he falls into the courtyard outside the class – lands badly breaking his wrist and collarbone.


Police are called and our teacher is charged with a serious crime.

This is P’s case.

Quite straightforward as ABH’s go – but the psychology was truly complicated (As we will discover).

What-cha-think so far P Club?



The Troll said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms. Moon said...

I think this is the sort of thing which makes people decide not to be teachers.

Mr Pineapples said...

Ms Moon - you can betcha.

And the very reason why Mr P is going to tell this little tale.

electro-kevin said...

I'm surprised it was only ABH bearing in mind the injuries.

I'm sure a few choice verbals could get the teacher off the hook.

The teacher has to be careful to indicate that there was no intent or recklessness in this 'accident'.

(Frankly I think the little shit deserved the kicking he'd obviously got.)

I hope this story ends with Mr P waving some magic fairy dust over the evidence. I'll be more impressed if he prevented scrotus-maximus from getting compo as well.

Philosophical enough for you ?

electro-kevin said...

On another subject ...

Just goes to show that most of us dislike our jobs. It's most surprising to hear a barrister say so too.

I was sitting in the messroom at Waterloo International (Eurostar) and overheard one of my colleagues say, "Oh God ! Not another fucking Paris stop-over !"

He really wasn't joking either. Neither was I and I left the company a year later.

Lost said...

Seems like a lot of old shite.
I went to a school with a lot of kids with "behavioural" problems, most of them were sound, and a lot of them were absolutely looney but ok.

Get the violent ones out, and send them somewhere else. They are f'ing given playstations to play with to escape a classroomw which they cannot face, but yet 30 other class mates manage to do it, and get on with it.

Why would anyone want to be a teacher nowadays is beyond me.

My Other Blog said...

A "fudge packer" would be defined as a male homosexual having "classic male homosexual sex" with another man (who may or may not be homosexual and/or engaging in the sex act willingly).
Think about it...or not!

PATRICK said...

Greetings Mr Pineapples (PSYCHOPATH),


Did you enter HELL?

2 SAMUEL 23:6 But evil men are all to be cast aside like thorns, which are not gathered with the hand.

7 Whoever touches thorns uses a tool of iron or the shaft of a spear; they are burned up where they lie."

Are you an emotionally shutdown, evil, RAGING, psychopathic, shape-shifting reptile, MISTER PINEAPPLES?


Anonymous said...

Courtroom antics are interesting. I guess it would become tiring after a while.

Swiss Tony said...

Hey Mr P, is Patrick the kid with the broken wrist? Looks like a complete fruitlopps to me. Bags we all give him a good kicking just to make sure.

I am sure you don't need any legal comment because you would have that nailed, but I would have gone with protecting the other kids, duty of care etc etc, and try not to say 'The little shit deserved that and more'

As for being a teacher? They must be mad. And a teacher in a special school? Madder. And a teacher supervising kids on a school trip. Madder than mad. You're safer being a barrister.


MikeP said...

What would the teacher have been charged with if he had simply sat back and let the student commit mayhem on other students? Which is the lesser of two evils?

Mr Pineapples said...

In response to P Club comments:

Kevo - GBH would be too much - a broken wrist (due to reckless behaviour) was about right.

As for my job - well - I have learned that being a barrister is only a job after all - the gravitas - the kudos - it's balls -it really is. We have to put up with such krap from the system - Oh me Gawd - I could tell you.

Lost - me auld pal - such SHITE - dead right on that one - in my closing speech I said "I could never do a job like this..." and I meant it. I esteem teachers very highly.

My other blog - right - are you coming over to London or not? I have asked you out on a date and you have ignored me - me the Great Mr P - it's bleedin' outrageous

Patrick - no - P is not a Psycopath - more of a Sociopath (check out the difference). Have I been to Hell? Well ....I been to Birmingham a few times.....does that count?

Jessica - oh Dalring Jessica - I love antics at all times......but on occassions - you are right - tiresome....oh Gawd....Tiresome darling J.

Swizz - me old fruit - re protecting the other kids - Great Point - you a lawyer? Sound like one. This is going to come out in P's little tale. Teachers in Special Schools? they are bleedin' amazing. As for Patrick - well - he is my friend - I keep him caged up in the shed - let him out at midniggt.

MikeP - good comment - exactly! What's the bloke supposed to do? Cant win - whatever he does. And this is the essence of my little tale.

Vodka Mom said...

Yikes. As a teacher we ALL take CPI training, and this is basically training on how to restrain children who NEED restraining. ( I actually had a kiddo last year that I had to restrain MANY times....)

I CAN'T believe he was let go!!!!! I support him, and hope that there is a good outcome.
I'm off to ship all of our unruly children across the pond. Isn't that what we do?

Mr Pineapples said...

Vodka Mum

Trouble us - we shipped all of our Crims across to you - years back....and see what happened.

My little tale is quite interesting as to Teacher:teacher:child politics.

See what happens as the story continues

My Other Blog said...

A date? Do you really have 8 kids and a gazillion other animals? I think you may be way too complicated to date. But, the next time in physical vs. virtual London, I'll definitely check you out in person - could you finish the story about your case? I've had to virtually fly over the pond twice now, and there's still no ending.

Mr Pineapples said...

Hey - My Other B

Date? But P thought you were looking for a decent bloke.

Listen - I can spin some yarn to the missus, dump the kids on relatives and boil down the animals.



As for my little story - well this aint no basketball game you know.

No slam-dunk each and every day.

This is a slow marinade

Law Minx said...

What's the Twist?!

electro-kevin said...

I think you're right about holding teachers in high esteem. Most of them are fantastic... it's a pity about the bloody kids though.

Chisel haircut is usually a sign for giving a wide birth.

Mr Pineapples said...

Law Minx...




Does there have to be one?

What this case is demonstrating (I hope) is that this society of ours has lost its senses.

We are so PC that we lose sight of common sense.

I can make up a twist if you're bored.

Mr Pineapples said...

Kevo - Oh Me Gawd..

I have chisel hair!

boXer girl said...

Hey Mr P, I agree with electro-kevin, I think 'intent' is very key. I mean isn't it INTENT that which makes the act criminal? Without it, it's just a super unfortunate incident. And to reach across the table for a second, I just want to blurt out that if punishment must be doled out to the teacher, than I sure hope it fits the crime (which, again, seems to be devoid of intent...).

And P.S. Mr P, Should I be jealous of "my other Blog"? How big is that desert island you have in mind?

Law Minx said...

My Dear P,

I am not in any way bored; it's just that matters such as this seem almost be WONT to take an unpredictable turn, despite careful preparation and argument; something ludicrous will come along and throw your whole case off course, be it a stroppy judge, bored jury who only want to get home in time for Richard And Judy, Spotty Prosecution Counsel out to make a name for themselves or a series of devastatingly unco-operative witnesses. In the light of this, is there EVER such a case where there is no twist whatsoever?

Mr Pineapples said...

Boxer Babe

Kevo is correct. Is there the criminal mind? The intent? The Mens Rea - guilty mind?

Intent can also include recklessness - so if the teacher was dragging him out in a way which suggests that he couldnt care less whether the boy would get hurt or not - then that is reckless and hence "intent".

Good point.

And also lean across the table and say:

"My other Blog" - I was only teasing her. But you?


Facia Bella

Mr Pineapples said...


I loved this case - for many many reasons....I regard it as a minor piece of legal history.

There were many twists...nothing dramatic - though I did get a punch in the face...which I will reveal later....

I found it a bit shocking in some respects and I got a little bit emotional when the verdict was given....though noone would ever have know.

Law Minx said...

My Dear P,

It must be wonderful to have a case which so seizes and posesses you professionally it borders on the profound.
You got punched in the face?!? Thats DISGUSTING!!!!! Having been punched in the face myself (as a nurse) with a fractured cheekbone as a result I cannot fully communicate my absolute IRE CONTEMPT and DISGUST for the perpetrator!!!!!!! Were the police involved - and if so will charges result?!?!?

boXer girl said...

What if the teacher was dragging him out without a conscious thought to the boys' safety - what I mean is, what if he wasn't really thinking about dragging him out in the safest manner, but rather he was thinking about just getting him outside in order to keep the other kids safe? Does this change his guilt of recklesness?

Once again I am leaning across the table, whispering in your ear this time: Parlare continuare, sei tornitura mi acceso.

Hope I said that correctly, my italian is a bit rusty. I'm better at hand gestures.

Mr Pineapples said...

Minxta - I am not too worried about punches in the mug - no I didnt report it to the police - what's the point? Only means more hassle and a case...involving me.

I can understand it - in a way. I will explain later

Mr Pineapples said...

My Dear Boxer Babe

Again - a very good point - in fact (as I will explain) the school (who sided against the teacher).....seemed to lose sight of the fact that they needed to care for the other kids whilst this was going on. I brought this into the case.

I need you on my team.

As for your whisper.....hmm....this is heating up.

I am coming over to your Blog....soon

Mr Pineapples said...

Minxta - I am not too worried about punches in the mug - no I didnt report it to the police - what's the point? Only means more hassle and a case...involving me.

I can understand it - in a way. I will explain later

boXer girl said...

Have I mentioned, Mr P, that I am most definitely a team player! You could use me ... Umm ... on your team of course ...

(It's warm in here, is the AC on? Can we turn it up?)

Law Girl said...

My momma is a teach and this kind of thing stopped her from going bk to do secondary after she retired. She says she has noticed the younger ones getting worse as well though- special needs or no special needs.

We have become so PC we've lost sight of sense- and the rights of the child have become so sacrosanct that the adults are running scared. Not to say that abuse shouldn't be stopped- but even when I was at school which wasn't that long ago, we knew if we pushed the teachers too far there'd be trouble.

Kids now know that the adults have no power.

What did the guy's union rep think about it all?

I hope you got him off with a suspended or not guilty. Poor guy will probably be too scared to work again.