Wednesday, 25 June 2008
HORSES - ONE OF MY HAPPIEST MOMENTS
P lives in horse country - the little blighters are everywhere - clip clopping down our country lanes...snorting in our hedgerows and krapping on the road.
Unfailingly, P is polite - moves the dogs away - slows down the car - doffs his cap (if he had one it would be doffed). The model of propriety, decorum and Good Citizenship. Horse riders smile at The P, doff their caps and acknowledge P's gentitlity.
That's the way it is. But P lovers - hear the words of The P -
Once P lost it with a horse - and this is a moral tale for you all. Have you ever lost it with a horse?
P was in his Volvo Estate - couple of kids in the back - mate in the front - coming back from "Dads and Lads camp" - mates and P take their lads for a weekend of camping, footie, camp fires and lager....in the country.
So...we come around a corner in the car - to find two big beefy women on two beefy horses. Big arms - big legs - big thighs - big enough to snap your spine like a twig(the women I mean).
Beefy gals signal furiously to The P to slow down - lot of arm waving - lot of grimacing - lot of guffawing...lot of pointing.....ANGRY BIG WOMEN.
So P slows down but then copies all of their arm movements, the waving, the grimacing, the pointing and the guffawing. A wonderful spectacle to behold: P in full flight. BRILLIANT.
So beefy girls clip-clop up to P's car - stand by P's driver's window on their horses and calls P an "Ignorant Gitt". Well P lovers - that was it!!
P had started.
P waits for horses to clip-clop to back of His car and lets it ripp on the car horn. Absolutely wacked that horn.
P HIT THE MOTHER OUT OF THAT HORN - IF A HORN HAD EVER BEEN MOTHERED IT WAS THAT HORN.
Not just a BEEP, but a PBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.BLOODY....BBBBBBEEEEEEPPPPPP...
Hitting that horn - totally wacking that bleedin' horn.
And wow! SEE those horses MOVE! See those girls hit that saddle.
It was like the bleedin rodeo had come to town.
Like the wild west - BUCKING BRONKOES......big horses and big gals - red faces and fury.....HIT THAT HORN...MR P.
My Gawd - those horses just legged it well down the road...and them big girls? Well they were MAD as a bag of squirrels.
But once they'd gathered their wits, they came galloping back towards The P. So P hits the horn again....BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP....and off they go once more like a bleedin Rodeo.
Hey NEDDY...whoa Girl......BUCK THAT PONY.
Then P drove off. Fun over.
How juvenile was that? Unbelievable! What an example to the kids eh? Kids said:
"Dad..that was mad".
My kids still laugh about it - but my mate was dumb struck. He's moved to Australia now, but I bet he will carry the image to his grave of those big beefy girls and those big horses - doing the rodeo......in sweet, sweet olde England.
I am sorry for 99.9% of the bad I have ever done in my life; but sorry for my actions that day?
NAW - IT WAS BRILLIANT.
Horse riders: be polite to us road users.
Road users: be polite to polite horse riders.
LESSON OVER P CLUB....LESSON OVER.