Wednesday, 25 June 2008

HORSES - ONE OF MY HAPPIEST MOMENTS



No doubt.

P lives in horse country - the little blighters are everywhere - clip clopping down our country lanes...snorting in our hedgerows and krapping on the road.

No issues.

Unfailingly, P is polite - moves the dogs away - slows down the car - doffs his cap (if he had one it would be doffed). The model of propriety, decorum and Good Citizenship. Horse riders smile at The P, doff their caps and acknowledge P's gentitlity.

That's the way it is. But P lovers - hear the words of The P -

Hear them.

Once P lost it with a horse - and this is a moral tale for you all. Have you ever lost it with a horse?

THE TALE

P was in his Volvo Estate - couple of kids in the back - mate in the front - coming back from "Dads and Lads camp" - mates and P take their lads for a weekend of camping, footie, camp fires and lager....in the country.

So...we come around a corner in the car - to find two big beefy women on two beefy horses. Big arms - big legs - big thighs - big enough to snap your spine like a twig(the women I mean).

Beefy gals signal furiously to The P to slow down - lot of arm waving - lot of grimacing - lot of guffawing...lot of pointing.....ANGRY BIG WOMEN.

So P slows down but then copies all of their arm movements, the waving, the grimacing, the pointing and the guffawing. A wonderful spectacle to behold: P in full flight. BRILLIANT.

So beefy girls clip-clop up to P's car - stand by P's driver's window on their horses and calls P an "Ignorant Gitt". Well P lovers - that was it!!

P had started.

P waits for horses to clip-clop to back of His car and lets it ripp on the car horn. Absolutely wacked that horn.

P HIT THE MOTHER OUT OF THAT HORN - IF A HORN HAD EVER BEEN MOTHERED IT WAS THAT HORN.

Not just a BEEP, but a PBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.BLOODY....BBBBBBEEEEEEPPPPPP...

Hitting that horn - totally wacking that bleedin' horn.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

And wow! SEE those horses MOVE! See those girls hit that saddle.

It was like the bleedin rodeo had come to town.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Like the wild west - BUCKING BRONKOES......big horses and big gals - red faces and fury.....HIT THAT HORN...MR P.



My Gawd - those horses just legged it well down the road...and them big girls? Well they were MAD as a bag of squirrels.

But once they'd gathered their wits, they came galloping back towards The P. So P hits the horn again....BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP....and off they go once more like a bleedin Rodeo.

Hey NEDDY...whoa Girl......BUCK THAT PONY.

Then P drove off. Fun over.

How juvenile was that? Unbelievable! What an example to the kids eh? Kids said:

"Dad..that was mad".

My kids still laugh about it - but my mate was dumb struck. He's moved to Australia now, but I bet he will carry the image to his grave of those big beefy girls and those big horses - doing the rodeo......in sweet, sweet olde England.

I am sorry for 99.9% of the bad I have ever done in my life; but sorry for my actions that day?

NAW - IT WAS BRILLIANT.

Horse riders: be polite to us road users.

Road users: be polite to polite horse riders.

LESSON OVER P CLUB....LESSON OVER.

AMEN

21 comments:

Mr Pineapples said...

But P - you are going to alienate the animal lovers in this blog community.

Dont you care man?

What of your reputation?

Dont you bleedin' well care?

Ms. Moon said...

You are so bad, Mr. P. So very, very bad.

boXer girl said...

Mr P, I would respond, but I can't stop laughing! On floor, laughing my ass off! You are my King!

blogthatmama said...

Mr P I think you should make a short film of this post. I've got pains shooting down my left arm from laughing, I hope I survive.

Law Minx said...

My Dear P,

Evidently, you are not a fan of big girls on horses, a position i fully understand given that the big ends of both are mutually indistinguishable from the,er, rear.
Personally, I have nothing but sympathy for the poor horses, whose backs must bow and buckle in a manner directly proportionate to the substantial dent made in the saddle by the aforementioned fat girl's arse.......

Mr Pineapples said...

Dear

Moonie - Yes indeed P is bad.....as Mini P's remind me. But we have so many horses around here - they MUST be civil to us normal folks (the riders I mean)

Boxer Gal - King? Absolutely....but P gets a flame out in His head sometimes and something takes over.

Blogmamma - Oh! I wish we had a camera - would be on YouTube before we could say - shitabrick

Minxtaaaa - Where ya bin? On some bleedin' holiday no-doubt. And what's happening re the Pupillage - I dare ask? I have this minute received a set of instructions for tomorrow in Court. I have to work half the bleedin' night. Is this what cha want?

Course you do.

Law Minx said...

My Dear P,

I do wish I could say that I have been on holiday, but, alas, I have been compelled, by my Ph.d Supervisor at the local seat of learning to explore the hairy and not insubstantial backside of the Thesis Monster as part of a sort of " You're rubbish, you are" learning symmposium, hence my relative silence.
With respect to the late delivery of your instructions for court tomorrow, I know you love it,really, because I know I will, too!!! Talk about Rabbit out of the Hat - I am sure the learned judge will be totally Gobsmacked!

Trubes said...

Mr P that was truly hillarious...I'm still laughing...
Good for you against the horsey wimmin....It's not as if they pay road tax..or insurance is it?
I bet the horses enjoyed jiggling the old bags around too..
Whoooa Trigger!

human being said...

not in a very good mood today... but your story really lighted me up...

seems when we cannot vent our anger or disappointment, reading others who've got the guts really helps...
:)
thanks dear Mr Pineapples for visiting my blog and letting me know you...

electro-kevin said...

I confess here and now that I have a jodhpur fetish - the snootier the woman the better.

electro-kevin said...

I was collecting newts in a jar as a kid. A young lassie came along on her horse and said "Release those animals, you cruel boy." to which I replied
"Get off the horse and I might"

Fancied her rotten.

Erica said...

LMFAO! love it!!!!

electro-kevin said...

Wasn't you, was it, Erica ?

I didn't mean to be so pugnacious but it did seem a bit hypocritical of you at the time you've just gotta agree.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Yes, hillarious stuff. Sounding a horn, panicking animals and endangering lives. My sides are sore

Sarcasm mode definately on

Mr Pineapples said...

Law Minx......so where you gone then eh? Have they got to you? Shame if that's true....

Trubes - hope you had a nice holiday

Human Being - glad to have you on P Blog - hope your stay will be a gracious and enlightening one

Kevo - them gals were wearing tight trousers - is that what you're getting so excited about?

Erica - long time no see

Pixie woman - I dont think you should laugh at the plight of animals and the panicking of them thereof.

Blessing on you all

Alok said...

This is hilarious stuff:P Wonderful way to spend a Sunday afternoon. thank you for this


Alok

pS: Life has been a lil hectic offlate with work and travel. Sorry for being so late in replying to the questions raised by you. I will try and mail you the response. Thanks

boXer girl said...

Yo, Mr P, I've got a blog award for you! But you have to visit my blog to pick it up!

Paranomia said...

My Dear P,

Have no fear, you will not be rid of me quite as easily as you suppose!! I am presently engaged in a fight to the death with blogger in an attempt to get Lawminx properly restored to me and have hence been relegated to the use of a simply HORRID nickname bestowed upon my rather tatty Ph.d Blog.....

Mr Pineapples said...

Hey Alok - a true poet knows his audience. Mr P might have done A level English but He still needs help in understanding poems. And you are that help. Thanks Bud

Boxer Girl - P needs an award - His confidence has taken a bit of a knock lately - so He is going to pick it up soon.

Minxta - well I never....what IS going on in Blog land? We have MISSED YOU.

I happen to like "Paranomia" - In fact P has a track on Art of Noise album called Paranomia (was it "Art of Noise"?)

Paranomia said...

I believe the track was indeed Art of Noise, accompanied by the entirely case-sensitive Mr Max Headroom. I thought it was a nickname entirely appropriate for a ph.d student, since it concerns confuddlement of words and lack of sleep.....
AWWW - have you missed me?! Really REALLY???

The Troll said...

Fascinating. I love horses but had an encounter with the beefy broad's cousins once. I didn't do anything as crass as honk the horn though.

Tossed an apple about 5 feet above the horse's head. He leapt. Rider hit ground with a thud.

Grrrherhahhahahahhaha