WHY DO I BLEEDIN' BOTHER?

Hey - P Club thanks for coming onto the Blog. Hope your stay is a gracious and rewarding one.

Listen

What is it all about eh? What has this sceptured isle become eh? Where is it all headed? Here is my tale, it is a snapshot of where we is at:

P in Court just the other day - appearing for the Prosecution (doing His bit for society) - very important case - get's witness (Daz) up for the Crown and asks simple question, not a difficult one - very straight-forward:

"Is it right that on the 14th February - you went into the Blue Lagoon Chip shop; you bought chips and on leaving the chip shop you witnessed Mr Davy stab Roy Sharp to the heart with a blade? Mr Sharp fell to the floor, Davy ran off and the police were called."

Simple question - eloquently put.

Answer:

"No - tha's not right - I didn't buy chips - I bought a pie".

And that folks was it: Daz's entire bleedin' answer. No elaboration - nothing more. Straight to the point - no messing about....hit the ground running.

Judge giggled and sadly - so did the bleedin' jury. So - tension of moment lost -momentum of that crystal question screwed. P made to look like a dick, and the whole event turned into a circus.

This is the state of our British Society - this tale says it all. Dullards and pillocks rule...chavs roaming the streets eating pies and swilling lager.

P now chucked stupid horse-haired wig in bin - dumped the ridiculous 17th century gown and bands - and on Monday starts new job - up the chimneys.

Thank Gawd - cos I can't take anymore Of this krap.

LIVERPOOL FANS = SENTIMENTAL MOANING OLD GITS

Hey Up

Dear P weenies

Don't you all agree that Liverpool fans are the most embarrassingly sentimental bunch of old winge-bags on the face of this planet. Watching them sing those dreadfully maudlin and tear-jerking songs just makes Me want to cry ...out of embarrassment....and pain.

And all that girlie flag waving. What are they? Americans?

Liverpool v Chelsea tonight.

Let's hope Chelsea (a fine LONDON team) - hammer the whyning miserable getts. And send them home to do a bit more sentimental blubbering.

Stephen Gerrard - Liverpool captain, is TOTALLY useless. All he's good at is falling over in the penalty box and scrtching his arse. When he plays for England - noone notices that he's even on the pitch. Me and mini-P's are mystified by the annonymous bloke running around in the middle of the pitch - "Hey Pater - that git is Gerrard..." -that's what my kids always say.

Do-you-know-what - I can play better than him - I honestly can play better than Stephen Gerrard. Mr P would do his job and accept half the money he gets. He really would.

Come on Chelsea.

WHAT A FEW DAYS THE P HAS HAD

Yea Baby



Dear Followers of The P. Many of you ask:

"P - do you live a life like us ordinary folks?".

Well - P sometimes can live like you all. Here's what happened in the last few days -decide for yourselves.

Friday - gets to Court real early - P is chuffed with himself - He is on time. Court usher says "P - the case is at another Court". P arses it across London to this other Court. (P is a Barrister at the moment......but 'cos He uses phrases like "arses it across London...", He is not true Barrister material...so is changing career soon). Has already purchased the brushes and a pair of swimming goggles.

Arrives at Court across London - finds case is delayed by three bleedin' hours; P paces back and forth like a caged Lion - loses weight. P successful at Court - but told off by Judge for speaking too fast....one of the parties is foreign and cant understand a bleedin' word P says.

Friday EVENING - P trains hard at His gym (P has gym at home). Goes out with The Mrs for a curry with four friends - gets to bed at 2.30 in morning.

Saturday - P works on a skeleton for Court on Monday. Does a great job.

Saturday EVENING - Little P is fighting in London against a kid from Tottenham; Little P wins unanimously - but has tendancy to drop right hand when jabbing. P advises wisely - Little P keeps hand up throughout.

Saturday evening: JO BLEEDIN' CALZAGHE V'S HOPKINS (cheating little gett).

Mates come around at 2 in morning (Mrs P - fed up with the racket - but manages to go to sleep). P's kids also stay up with pals to watch.

Hopkins knocks Jo down in Round One: a great over the top right: BRILLIANT. Like Little P - Jo drops his hand when jabbing - and got caught. P is mighty worried by this and goes quiet for a few rounds (Mrs P is in bed and P is afraid of her wrath in the morning). Mates are too loud all the way through - P says "please lads be more quite" - but starts to sound like an old woman - and so gives up nagging. Buggers dont listen anyway.

But then Hopkins cheats all the way through - holding on - pretending he is hurt by low punch in round 11 and takes a big breather - what a dick, what a spoiler and Nobb.

But Jo WINS THE FIGHT.

Jo Calzaghe - the greatest British boxer we have ever had - wins in Las Vegas - he's much better than that over-rated Ricky Hatton - with his entourage of Manchester Drunk football fans.

What a GREAT WIN.

Sunday - P takes other Kid to County Boxing training.

Followers of The P - that is it

CURRY IS THE ONLY FOOD WORTH MENTIONING

P lovers - this topic is Big....and will be devoped by The P.

Sad French people are wont to say that the British cannot cook - that their culinary skills are non-existent.Why do they say this?

Answer = because we the Brits have kicked their gallic arses in wars and skirmishes -(so many times) and rescued them from the Nazis...if it werent for us (the Brits) the Frogs would all be speaking German now.The Frogs are embarrased by this and have a pop at the only thing they think they excell at...cooking. DELUSIONAL MUPPETS.

Anyway P digresses.

It's a Fact that the most marvelous food is Indian Food (which was invented by the Brits anyway, and is now our official cuisine).

Mr P has eaten at many fine restaurants and has an excellent chef at home (Italian). But it is a fact that Curry is a drug..it is not just a food. Okay - P accepts that He has had more spectacular food experiences at Italian and in English restaurants BUT P Lovers, nothing can beat the Curry.

The aroma of a Vindaloo is as captivating and hedonistic as anything this world has to offer.

What can be better than:

- popadoms and assorted pickles to start
- onion baji as first course
- prawn vindaloo
- a chapati or two
- pilau rice
- brinjal baji

Nothing can beat that. Time passes...time passes....time passes....until someone says "Mr Dear P, when did we last have a curry?" Are those imortal words ever uttered in connection with any other cuisines? Never.

What can crack the heart-strings more than a bowl of Tindaloo or Phal?

- You can stick your French food - pretentious and overpriced
- Italian is okay (and P should know - He is Italian - although the fish is very good)
- USA food = Burgers and fries....with triple sized portions. No-wonder 98% of Americans are obese.
- Chinese - okay P accepts that this is a close second to Indian

But P lovers - all Indian food is magical....the excitement in seeing that curry trolley approach the table...the dizzy, heady excitement. The build of tension as time without a curry acumulates.

The British have the greatest restaurants - the Curry Houses of Britain are one of the wonders of the world. Those who disagree are either ignorant or in denial.

Amen

Preach it P

THE TRUTH IS OUT

Apparantly Princess Diana was killed in an accident involving a drunken French bloke (eh what's new?) and a car - in a bleedin' tunnel in Paris (France).

Bloody Hell - it's great to finally know (only cost us £7.5 million) - there's me thinking it was a conspiracy involving Norman Wisdom.



She still had a big nose though. Perhaps we can investigate that now.

"SPIRITUAL" TOSS POTS

Mr P is going to develop this theme P lovers; but sufice to say these "spiritual" folk make Mr P want to puke. If He were the sea there would be buckets of detritus along the beach at the very thought of these idiots.

What is it We hate about these toe-rags? Let us list the ways:

1. The "spiritual" assume they are getting in touch with something (inside? outside? in the heavenlies?). It fosters a feel-good feeling that neuters action. The world cries out all around them but they slumber in their spirituality; enjoying the cosy and smug sensations. Dumb idiots.

2. Vague thoughts of birds, the green planet, love of the whole of mankind - is their mantra. What Bollocks and a cop out for real living.

3. Spirituality is entirely subjective: anything can count. They create god in their own images; chuck in a few birds, the ozone-layer and there you have it "spirituality". It's pure self-indulgent bilge - an intellectual opium.

4. Tossy celebrities are “spiritual” and that says it all. They have wealth, fame but are empty inside; spirituality adds the icing on the cake to salve their consciences. A couple of visits abroad with all expenses paid, pictures of them with the suffering - that is all it takes. Lady Diana - now there was a spiritual person if I ever saw one. She had a big nose as well.

5. Mr P sees blogs that are “spiritual” – and the authors are without exception: vain, smug, weak and self-obsessed. They have a form of godliness without any of its power; their spirituality is form without substance.

If you are a spiritual person then get your head from out of your own backside now.

Repent right away.