Wednesday, 23 April 2008


Hey - P Club thanks for coming onto the Blog. Hope your stay is a gracious and rewarding one.


What is it all about eh? What has this sceptured isle become eh? Where is it all headed? Here is my tale, it is a snapshot of where we is at:

P in Court just the other day - appearing for the Prosecution (doing His bit for society) - very important case - get's witness (Daz) up for the Crown and asks simple question, not a difficult one - very straight-forward:

"Is it right that on the 14th February - you went into the Blue Lagoon Chip shop; you bought chips and on leaving the chip shop you witnessed Mr Davy stab Roy Sharp to the heart with a blade? Mr Sharp fell to the floor, Davy ran off and the police were called."

Simple question - eloquently put.


"No - tha's not right - I didn't buy chips - I bought a pie".

And that folks was it: Daz's entire bleedin' answer. No elaboration - nothing more. Straight to the point - no messing about....hit the ground running.

Judge giggled and sadly - so did the bleedin' jury. So - tension of moment lost -momentum of that crystal question screwed. P made to look like a dick, and the whole event turned into a circus.

This is the state of our British Society - this tale says it all. Dullards and pillocks rule...chavs roaming the streets eating pies and swilling lager.

P now chucked stupid horse-haired wig in bin - dumped the ridiculous 17th century gown and bands - and on Monday starts new job - up the chimneys.

Thank Gawd - cos I can't take anymore Of this krap.


Mr Pineapples said...

"Why do I bleedin' bother?"

Didnt know You did P.

Anonymous said...

Doubtless, Mr P your learned profession will be sad to see you go....( perhaps) - is your new career in any way related to legal chimneys, perhaps those of the Prawn Sacrifical Service or, in the alternative, chimneeys which are of an incredibly expensive, and hi faluting sort??

Mr Pineapples said...

P is still reeling from being labeled a "metro-sexual-nonce" but ever it is a total joy to hear from you.

What the bleedin' heck are you going on about now!!

P admits - that some of His cases have indeed been of a hi faluting sort - involving the Attorney General no less - and other such luminaries. Mucho-secreto - and some big style intelligence.

All too intelligent for P - and so up the chimney I go.

Anonymous said...

My Dear P,

I was but enquiring of your career change, if this cunning side step as a Chimney SweepsPerson will continue to be in any way legally related.
Whilst your caseload does sound indeed impressive, one cannot help but wonder if you have also been instructed by the Extremely Important and Very Clever Person (Head of Practically Everyone In the Legal Universse) given that he enjoys a certain ammount of independence from the dear old AG and has been named by The Times, Recently, as bieng not only Extremely Important, but also Very Powerful.I suspect that you have!

So it is that I say to you, with the very best of intent, "Up Yours" ( with respect to your career in Chimneys).

Naturally, You will continue to be my favourite MetroSexual Nonce!

Mr Pineapples said...

Hey Minx - lost P all the way there, but was a good read.

Listen - did you hear My joke about Riesa? Oh - Gawd - it's funny and worth repeating:

Riesa cought by Police yesterday - driving on the M25. Caught heading in the wrong direction.


It's the way I bleedin' tell 'em that counts.

Anonymous said...

The very reason I moved to Australia. Although, upon further thought, the Aussies aren't much better.

One word:


Oh, I've added you to my blogroll. Thanks for the comment on my blog!


Vokkoff said...

You stupid fuckin' schoolboy. No Ifs no Buts But you stupid fuckin' schoolboy. You daft little cunt. Who gives a fuck what you do on the internet? You stupid little schoolboy. Does yor mammy know what you do with her laptop when she isn't looking? You daft little cunt....

Vokkoff said...

Chav cunt.

Erica said...

*shock horror* skinny us aussies are fuckin great!

ello mr p, nice to meet ya, lookin forward to readin more of you.

E x

Mr Pineapples said...


Why dont you just Vokkof....Vokkof.

Only kiddin' ya - you are very welcome on P's site.....but couldnt resist that bit of witt.

It's marvelous to see that your English is finally starting to go with a swing.....was so painful to read that Russian pidjin.

See you Bud and remember....."Learn From The P"

Mr Pineapples said...

To my new beautiful friends:

Skinny Gal and Erica.

Lovely to have you on the site....sorry for the antics of my buddie Vokkoff....he is learning the English - but is getting there.

Give us a few diet tips.

P is in training for a bit of a any hints are welcome.


Mr P


Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Pineapple. I have popped over from Mr Electro-Kevin's blog where you, quite accurately, identified me as a mean spirited and not very good ranter. I apologise, i just get so very angry at so many things. If you can help, I'm willing to learn, mind you, I loathe chavs, loathe their mean, thin ratfaces, their cheeap gold and their appalling manners. See?

Mr Pineapples said...


Me ole mucker - great to have you on The P.


That was not a bad rant at all.

Keep up the good work. It's like this:

Folks who say absolutely BUGGER ALL - just get on Mr P's knockers. So well done for having a bit of a rant on here.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr P,

Very many more people lurk about the artistic creations that are our blogs than actually comment; they just enjoy the read, I think; there was a time when this used to infuriate me, too, but when you examine your site traffic and realise that you have regular readers, some of whom are very clever and work at very clever places indeed, you calm down and appreciate that regular readership is quite a flattering thing!
Consider yourself to be like The Times ( if that is your Rag of Choice) - very many more people read it world wide than bitch to the editor, no?!

Mr Pineapples said...


You are a Wise One indeed. Trouble with The P (as the wife and kids always tell Him) - is that He is too bleedin' opinionated - wants to shout His mouth of about everything. Often gets told to shut up - and to stop shouting at the telly.

Two of The P's kids are the same and the others, and the missus, are more economical; content to let life lead itself.

Most of what the P says is Krap anyway - BUT - the desire to SAY it is overwhelming.

How can folks be content with saying BUGGER-ALL??

Beats me.

P visits a blog and HAS to say something. Most folks ignore it, and a few get upset (the insecure and narscisitic ones) - but some WARRIORS come on here and spout of themselves.

All Respect to them.


P has spoken.....again.

Mel said...

Oh dear, that wasn't an example of only ask the witness a question that you are sure of the answer to. Or whatever the maxim is.

Perhaps if you had broken it up a bit more?

I recall a mock-trial I did once, where I was attempting to pour incredulous scorn on a witness' evidence. 'Are you so stupid that you didn't consider X, Mr Y'?

'Yes' Came the answer. 'I didn't do very well on my GCEs'

'Court' including barrister judge breaks down in laughter, and we were all still giggling so much 5 mins later that the whole thing was derailed. But it was just a mock trial, nowt serious-like.

Barnsley Bill said...

I think chimney sweep is a euphemism.
Joining up as a starfish trooper perhaps mr bromeliad?

Barnsley Bill said...

And furthermore, i will be invoicing you. That bizarre and mildly scary comment you posted at my place has driven a shedload of traffic this way from NZ. Your weedjit is showing multiple hits the antipodes.

Mr Pineapples said...


You bin on this blog 5 bleedin' minutes and already you are insulting The P.....which is okay....we like your style.

Should I have confirmed with him beforehand whether he preferred chips to Pies...or even a saveloy sausage(cant spell so no pointcomplaning)...does he like vinegar on his chips?

I suppose I should.

Thanks for the tip....nect time P will be prepared.

Mr Pineapples said...

Barnsley Bill !!

You are either entirely intelligent or a total mentalist !!

What are you going on about me ole mate? P is used to dealing with nutters (like Vokkoff) - but you are a surealist nutter (no offence there intended).

Can you transalte into a language we is more used to understanding.


Barnsley Bill said...

Look at your traffic widjit (on the right hand side of your blog mate.... The box with the flags innit!)
Lots of little NZ flags, all leaving my place to bask in the wonderfullness of your breakdown by blog.........

Lacrimosa said...

may I call you Bert?

electro-kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
electro-kevin said...

Hi Mr Pineapples

Don't give up the day job, get the wig back on and stick it to 'em.

They really ought to take things much more seriously in court and beneath this cheeky-chappy internet veneer I see something deeper to Mr Pineapples.

Was it a Pukka Pie perchance ?

Prosecution barrister to low-brow witness in the Old Bailey during a rape trial, "Did the defendent have ... an erection ?"

After much consideration the reply, "Nah - a Ford Cortina."

electro-kevin said...

I think you could become really popular, Mr P. (Unfortunately I'm often wrong)

Keep it up.