MY INNER CABBIE - AMERICA

It is so bloody trendy to knock the Yanks. To rave about their Iraq war and how fat the buggers all are. Okay the reason they care so much for their teeth is that they need them to eat all that food.

But - In the History of the World has there ever been a more BENIGN Superpower?

NOT AT ALL

P has an American friend - only one (not got many friends anyway). But she is an absolute delight - I tell yea. Unpretentious, interesting, caring and ...well....just plain normal.

A breath of fresh air in fact. She is probably characteristic of the whole nation.

Ask yourself this: would you rather be friends with those lazy French? (More of this on another post). It's a no brainer.

Let's be honest, the Yanks try hard to be liked. For Goodness-Sakes they have learned our language - just to get along with us. That's how much they care.

We don't charge them money for using it and we should (a sort of rent) - but we don't because they are our friends and we let them off - we are proud of what they have achieved in such a short time with our encouragement.

THE KID DONE GOOD.

Okay - so 97.3% of Americans are obese with 67.9% morbidly obese - but listen P Club.

America is NOT the cause of the world's problems - and idiots who say as much are.....just plain stupid...idiots. Like that Conceited Pillock George H Galloway. His Vanity....his vanity knows no bounds.

I just despise those fools who are so anti-American they are willing to embrace and give succour to Islamic Terrorism.

THAT IS NOT WISE

Those Islamic states would lock and torture every one of us for just being human. Islam? I am begining to dribble at the mouth with rage as I think of it.

Those women's rights groups who denounce Israel and big up Islam! They are to be pitied for their foolishness.

What utter utter tyranny. If God is in all of that then I am a bleedin' Monkey's Uncle.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran? Crazy Name - Crazy Guy. Is America the only nation who takes seriously his threat to obliterate Israel? (apart from Israel).

Anyways - let's give the USA a break eh?

Okay –

- so they believe every bleedin' word you say,and take everything literally;
- and are gullible as hell.;
- and they like eating burgers;
- and follow the most pointless "sport" known to man - baseball (only primary school girls play it England - it's called "Rounders")....

But at least they have done some good for this world...unlike those lazy self-loving French. What have they ever given the world...apart from indigestion?

This is real wisdom.

MY INNER CABBIE

Some folks have suggested that The P is a "softie".

Well P followers this is true: P is a softie towards kids, all kids, dogs, cats and stuff, and all folks downtrodden, disadvantaged etc...

But Bleedin' Hell.

P is the scourge of the Evil Doer.

Ever been in a London cab? Bollocks can those Geezers talk? And such Krap.

Tactic: talk the Bollocks of them first.

P gives them the double barrell - before they can even spout their own Bollocks.

I swear to Gawd - it works. P hits em with His views on everything - between the eyes - even before they realise that P is a bleedin' Loony - they have heard the Words of The P ...

FULL BLEEDIN' THROTTLE.

Hear Yee Hear Yee Hear Yee

P was in a Cab a few months back - arseing His way across London (late for Court..so Frenzied mood) - from Southwark Crown Court to the Royal Courts of Justice on The Strand. This Geezer Cabbie picks up The P.

Geezer gets the full-barrelled Bollocks of the P - without any hesitation. After 10 minutes uninterrupted P Boll-Erks - the Geezer goes:

"Hey I know you. I had you in my cab years back - about 1999 - you were going on about a Christmas Party when you got totally rat-arsed - poisoned by alcohol..."

Do you know what?

The Geezer was right. Though The P WASNT "rat-arsed" - He just got poisoned.

See?

The Words of The P - remembered by the London Cabbie. There are 50,000 London Cabbies - how surreal for this One to remember The Words Of the P?

CLASSIC.

P has had it with being a softie - from now on it's Inner Cabbie - kicking the butts of the Evil....

Right on this Blog.

Pre-pare-yourselves....you Evil Doers.....for the Wrath of The P comes swiftly etc..

P NABS A GRANNY

It's True: P grabbed a Granny - a real live oldie.....She's in the shed sucking mushed pears through a straw; she walks the dogs; reads stories to the kids.

THAT WILL TEACH HER.

Okay - so P exaggerates - but He did try to kidnap a Real Granny.

It was Yesterday evening; P in car with two of his female imps (8 and 10); windy; drizzly.

Country road.

P drives past old lady walking along lane with two young kids.

A long way from anywhere.

P carries on driving - a mile - then conscience strikes. P turns car around and heads back towards old lady with two young kids.

Imps say "what-cha-doing-dad?" "Where-we-going-dad?" "This-aint-the-way-home-dad?"

P sees old lady with two young kids - slows down, stops, lowers window and says:

"Would you like a lift?"

Oh Me Gawd: "Would you like a lift?"

That's all: "Would you like a lift?" Not very frightening.

Not like I've threatened to torch her zimmer-frame.

But - The face on the old lady: Shocked!! Startled!! Fearful!! About to be Attacked!! About to be shot, mugged - and worse!!

"No thank-you" she says.

"You sure? It’s no trouble."

"No thank-you" (indignant). Starting to look angry...angry with the Famous Mr Pineapples - can you ADAM AND EVE it?

So P drives off with the two cheeky monkeys in the car laughing and saying; "Dad - you are mental." "You really upset her dad...it's so funny...you tried to kidnap a grandmother..."

NO IT WASNT BLEEDIN' FUNNY AT ALL......IT WAS DEPRESSING. P DID FEEL A BIT EMBARASSED - LIKE A THWARTED PSYCHO-KILLER.

Kids went on about it all evening: taking the mick.

P does NOT look like a criminal: no tattoos on wrist or knuckles, no earrings, no gold teeth...infact a very pleasant looking sort of bloke.

No leering or menacing expression. Just trying to help the old lady with the two young kids.

And He had two cheeky little girls in the car: one in the front seat (smiling away) and one in the back seat (grinning). Hardly a danger to society one would think?

For Goodness-Sakes!!

What the Bleedin' hell is wrong with our society?

Or is it just Mr P - totally out of step?

I tell you: Next time P will succeed and then it's in the shed.....totally in. See how She likes that then eh?

YOUTHS OF THE UK

P weenies - listen to the words of The P.....

The other day - P went to a Youth Court for the First Time.

What an eye-opener. What a revelation impartation to the mind of The P.

And He spills the beans right here, because these Youth Courts are a microcosm of the State of the UK and indeed of the whole of the Western World.

And we need to know about them.

P entered because He was in another Court across the road and was asked to pop over to mitigate on behalf of a youth about to receive sentence for a crime (P wont name the youth, or the crime). P never done this before - He does some crime - but only major, arse-kicking - intellectual varieties...as you can imagine.

The SICK THING was - everyone thought I was a SOLICITOR and kept referring to me as their "Friend". P is NOT a bleedin' thicko solicitor - and He is not a "Friend" at all.

First P cock up: He stands up to address the Tribunal. WRONG ! It's a Youth Court - we all sit down, nice and cosy - we never upset the Youths by being formal in any way. P told to sit down - Three Times.

Second P balls up: He addresses the defendant by full name. WRONG ! It's first name terms here pal - no scaring youths with surnames...no Siree.

The cock ups continued....but P successful and all that He asked for He got.

Youth very pleased - tearful and grateful - off he goes back home....chuffed.

But Listen.

The whole thing - geared towards making youths feel happy, at ease, languid. No big stick here - no fear - no need for respect - no bleedin' nuthing. The way the Court spoke to the youth was: softly, tenderly, sweetly - Fluffy teddy-bear style.

Youth Worker in Tow - (and allowed to speak for the youth) - Mums and Dads in Tow (allowed to speak for the youth), even youth allowed to give a little speech about how remorseful they were etc...and wont do it again etc...

And off they go - to do even more of the same crime. Cynical? Hope not - P hates cynics - but where is the teeth in all of this?

Victim suffered a great deal - P knows so - victim lost quite a bit of money and was badly beaten up in the process - despite this = NO COMPENSATION awarded.

Tough on Crime? You are having a laugh.

P spoke at length to the Court Ushers. Their view? The system lacked any sense of authority - any sense of awe - youths are allowed to play computer games on their mobile phones all the way through the trial - to give the finger to whomever they wished, to chew, laugh, fart, and scratch their bleedin' arses - as long as it put them at ease.

A good arse scratching can really chill you down.

But where was the tea lady? Wheeling her way though the Court - with cakes and bottles of Iron Brew (alcohlic version). This would be helpful.

Ushers said - it was the norm for parents not to turn up; youths are often on their own.

But P was shocked at the banality of the process, at the casual and ultra informal approach.

P is a liberal at heart - with a natural irreverence towards His betters - but we must have some respect for authority - Surely? Some sense of the Majesty of The Law?

Come on P Club - let's have a massive debate about this.

MY BLEEDIN' MID-LIFE CRISIS

Mr P is having a mid-life....

Mrs P says "There is no mid-life crisis - you just find it hard to grow up"

THAT IS RUBBISH

P has evidence.

First - P's kids run the show, undermining the Control of The P. The prowess of The P - questioned by primary school girls and Italian-esque Teenage Boys.

THE EVIDENCE (and this will shock you):

P - in kitchen - 10-year-old girl - looking up at P:

"Dad .....is it you leaving the top off the peanut butter and the lid off the margarine?"

Tip - never plead guilty.

P:

" Well I am not sure, but I did see someone with the peanut butter the other day and...."

"It WAS you Dad.....and it's really annoying....put the tops and the lids back on."

Then, after theatrically demonstrating how to put a plate in the sink, she skoots off.

A reprimand for P.....a telling off for The Legendary Mr Pineapples, from someone in pigtails, pink outfit and ballet shoes...

WHAT IS HAPPENING!!

This is real evidence.

MORE:

P taught His youths everything: tennis, squash, football, boxing.. how to put on shoes without undoing the laces....swearing, tattoos, you name it...THE BLEEDIN' LOT. All from The P.

Fishing: P out with lads - lads cast their lines....100 meters....P casts His line 75 metres.

Nothing wrong so far. But remember P club: Mr Pineapples taught these youths to cast.

Kid P says "Nice cast Dad...that was really great..d'ya see that boys?....Dad did a great cast..."

Chorus from other mini-P's "..yea..nice cast Dad...wow..."

WOW - MY ARSE!

Problem - youths are not being ironic or sarcastic. but genuinely trying to encourage The P..
...the Poor Old Git...
...the Ailing Old Fart..
...the Geezer needing Bigging Up....

Tennis: P gets arse whipped regular. Again - chorus from side-lines: "Nice shot Dad....wow....".

WOW - BOLLOCKS!

Boxing: P scared to have a spar with youths - concerned at being on arse even before munching down on gum-shield.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

REAL EVIDENCE OF DEMISE AND DETERIORATION.

A FULL -BLOWN CRISIS.

P is young - full head of hair - real teeth - good looking...fit...in shape..

But these kids are younger, better looking, cleverer than The P....fitter...

And even WORSE: they are kind, encouraging, helpful all of the way.

THE CHEEKY BUGGERS.

P - IN MID-LIFE CRISIS.

It's happening,

IT'S FIGHT NIGHT

P's out of the corner - ducking, bobbing, weaving etc..
Leads with a right - it's outrageous
Two double jabs
P ducks, smiles, trash talk
A tripple combo: left jab, right over the top, left to the body
Bleedin' Brilliant
Flash of lightening
A blur
Canvas burning up
It's the PINEAPPLES SHUFFLE!!!

But what's happening?
Oh Me Gawd - P is on the ropes
Rope-a-Dope
Ah !
It's a strategy
Wow! P's not hurt...

Round Two:

P out, ducking, bobbing etc.......Oh...My Good Grief.....He's still on the ropes...and..Oh Bleedin' Hell... I am Fed up of this now...Can't be arsed with this no more...



Listen P Club it was fight night last night: Little P fighting in the Smoke.

He WON...by a mile. P kid outworked other kid - landed 3 times as many punches - supreme work rate - total fitness - guts.

BRILLIANT

But Fight Nights are pretty Krap.

And you need to hear this.

KRAP ASPECT ONE:
They are mostly Black Tie affairs - Fat, ugly getts, - eating steak dinners on little round tables, nipping out for a fag ever 10 minutes - pissed as newts...and giving over the top support for the home boys. Under their frilly shirts: the Union Jack ripped into their skins.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS AT ALL.

What is dire is the roping off of the ordinary Plebs (like Pineapples) away from the action, away from the gents in the suits. P is miles away from His kid.

So what does P do?

Well, where as most other plebs wear jeans and Hally Hansen jackets, P has smart shirt, glorious tie and nice trousers. Enables P to march right past officials, through roped off area, sauntering towards table.

The more brazen - the more believable.

Once in, P has the run of the place, swans around,stands next to Ring...giving the verbals.

By the time the Buggers have realised that P is not one of the bow-tie dicks, but an unwashed tattooed pleb - most of the fight has been seen and fimed.

There then follows an ugly few minutes as they try to escort P out of the roped off area.

It happens every bleedin' time.

During the arguments P always points out that it's His Kid that's Providing the entertainment - so He is staying put.

This brings at least 2 bouncers - but it buys more time. Eventually - whole gang of folks arguing with The P - about how these frilly geezers have paid - and here I am - cheating them - outrageous - no sense of decency - report Me to the authorities....blah bloody blah..

USUAL BULL-SHIT KRAP

After all this bull-shit krap, P walks off - but whole fight filmed and later loaded down onto YouTube.


KRAP ASPECT TWO:
Many of the fighers are gypsy kids. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT AT ALL.

In fact gypsy kids (travellers) are the nicest kids you would hope to meet; it's the parents who are the nightmare: supreme drunkenness on the night and a tendancy to launch enthusiastic assaults on other gypsy families.

Last year there was a pitched battle involving four families which went on for over an hour in the car park after the show; police had to take them all away.

So THAT is a typical fight night.

WHAT-CHA-THINK P CLUB? YOU UP FOR IT?

But P's lad was such a great kid....fast hands and a granite chin. It pays to do the road miles - more you do - the better you are in the ring. Much energy is lost through nervous tension - so having the fitness helps keeps the nerves at bay - there is no fear of tiring.

YOU HEAR IT HERE

DUMP YOUR FRIENDS

Wow baby - yea.

Alright? Listen little P's.

P realises that most of the buggers who come on this Blog have no friends ...but for the few who have: get your address book out/ open up Outlook contacts and dump 'em....remove your friends...entirely. Resolve that you will have nothing more to do with them.

It's great!

Do it because most of your pals are stuck, safe, secure, boring people: had the same job, same house, and low expectations for the last 20 years or more.

Get rid of them ....they are weights around your neck, sleep walk you towards death and encourage you (by their indolence) to accepte your lot. As Groucho Marx said: "Opium for the masses."

P has listed out all His dull friends and administered a whole-sale sacking. What's the point of them? Nothing. Goodbye. He wrote a letter advising that they were negative and of no bloody use......and it was "cherio.....thanks...but no-thanks......enjoy your BBQ".

Okay - so P has no friends now.....but He is going to get some new ones. Yes Sir - New Buddies.

Folks who want an easy safe existence and nothing more - make P sick.

P says to his kids (and His foster kids) - "Kids...you feeling scared about doing this.....you are?.....great...DO IT ANYWAY.." Then P says:

“There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope.”

Bloody Brilliant.

There are folks who only see how things go wrong - who revere safety, abhor change; babies who never developed as people. No conversation - other than their dog, the holiday to Barbados...wow...or how their bloody boss doesnt recognise their talent, after all these years.

P sat with a bloke last week - bloke was whyning on about how the firm doesn't give him credit for all he's done, dont reward him well enough. P says "Listen....who's fault is this? YOUR BLOODY FAULT.....do something about it."

Sick thing: P realised He had the exact same conversation with the exact same bloke one year before.

Pathetic.

When P changed career there were those who tutted, shook their heads, pointed out the bad bits, said things like "You must be Mad P".

BUT others said "Go for it P....you will succeed......we are with you....".

Enbrace those folks who embrace life, who have a "YES" attitude.......THEY ARE GOLD-DUST.

Some of your so called buddies never want to see you succeed - SACK EM.

DUMP THE NAY-SAYERS. SACK THE BLEEDIN' LOT OF THEM.

Yea Baby

Amen.