Saturday, 24 May 2008


It's True: P grabbed a Granny - a real live oldie.....She's in the shed sucking mushed pears through a straw; she walks the dogs; reads stories to the kids.


Okay - so P exaggerates - but He did try to kidnap a Real Granny.

It was Yesterday evening; P in car with two of his female imps (8 and 10); windy; drizzly.

Country road.

P drives past old lady walking along lane with two young kids.

A long way from anywhere.

P carries on driving - a mile - then conscience strikes. P turns car around and heads back towards old lady with two young kids.

Imps say "what-cha-doing-dad?" "Where-we-going-dad?" "This-aint-the-way-home-dad?"

P sees old lady with two young kids - slows down, stops, lowers window and says:

"Would you like a lift?"

Oh Me Gawd: "Would you like a lift?"

That's all: "Would you like a lift?" Not very frightening.

Not like I've threatened to torch her zimmer-frame.

But - The face on the old lady: Shocked!! Startled!! Fearful!! About to be Attacked!! About to be shot, mugged - and worse!!

"No thank-you" she says.

"You sure? It’s no trouble."

"No thank-you" (indignant). Starting to look angry...angry with the Famous Mr Pineapples - can you ADAM AND EVE it?

So P drives off with the two cheeky monkeys in the car laughing and saying; "Dad - you are mental." "You really upset her's so tried to kidnap a grandmother..."


Kids went on about it all evening: taking the mick.

P does NOT look like a criminal: no tattoos on wrist or knuckles, no earrings, no gold teeth...infact a very pleasant looking sort of bloke.

No leering or menacing expression. Just trying to help the old lady with the two young kids.

And He had two cheeky little girls in the car: one in the front seat (smiling away) and one in the back seat (grinning). Hardly a danger to society one would think?

For Goodness-Sakes!!

What the Bleedin' hell is wrong with our society?

Or is it just Mr P - totally out of step?

I tell you: Next time P will succeed and then it's in the shed.....totally in. See how She likes that then eh?


Mr Pineapples said...

P - you sure you aint no danger to society - with an attitude like that - it's a sadness.

Molerats said...


Maybe it was the type of car your driving Mr P?

Maybe if you were driving one of those snazzy hybrids she would have been appreciative of the offer?

I think we live in overly suspicious and sceptical times. Gold star for trying to do the old lady a favour though!


Mr Pineapples said...

Moggsie - it was a Volvo Estate.

Smart and gentile.

Dripping with middle-class respectiability.

Skinny Girl said...

Next time just run the ungrateful old bastard over. See how she likes that.

Law Minx said...

My Dear P,

You drive a VOLVO?!?!?!?! I am frankly suprised that you are not out and about in a Sherman Tank! Then again, for all it's road sensitivity, a Volvo may as well BE a Sherman Tank!

Mr Pineapples said...

Minxta - it s not P's choice of car - it is the one we use when at our country residence.

P has flat in the city and a country dive....where most of the time is lived.

The volvo is the car used by the missus and nippers.

Have you caught my drift?

Was the drift caught?

Law Minx said...

Oh, I SEE! Do you have a city runaround or are you Commute Guy?!

Mr Pineapples said...

P uses the train/tube. Very rarely taxi - too expensive. Have driven into Chambers on rare occassions and have nearly always forgotten the congestion charge. Had to go on line to pay sharpish

bsq(c) said...

I can understand the old lady's qualms. She probably thought you kindnaped the children too and was intent on stealing her (grnadchildren?). What a silly woman, but admittedly, I would probably do the same as said old lady (I say this but I have accepted lifts from strangers before. That is stupid of me, I know, but I did a vague risk assessment each time! If my mother knew that - regardless of my age - I think she might kill me!). xxx

Mr Pineapples said...

Dear bsq(c) - yes P can understand the situation. Old ladies are often kidnapped.

When P was a young lad (14+) He hitch-hiked all over the country - just for fun. Only on two occassions did He have any potential trouble - from drunken drivers i.e. got in their car to discover that they were totally pissed.

But on this occassion - it was clear that this lady was miles from anywhere - dragging along with two kids.

P was trying to help and it was easy to see that P wasnt no threat or danger.


P.s - why aint-cha-studying?

Trubes said...

Mr P: I'm a Granny and you can grab me anytime. Very kind of you to offer the Old Girl a lift. How ungrateful can some people be. I would have dived into your car, slung the grandchildren ino the back of you volvo and taken you all home for a nice cup of tea and a slice of home made Victoria Sandwich.

Incidentally, Mr Lakelander is back and I've written a new bit of silliness on my site...and, would you believe it....about old ladies!

Tell those two young ladies of your's, not to be so mean to their well meaning, gallant Papa.

Law Girl said...

Ah but you see a volvo is just too "granny-napper" could have rolled her up in a rug and slung her in the boot. Maybe a skoda would have been better. Mind you it says a lot that these days peoples' first reactions are suspicion. My m-in-law granny-napped someone the other day, she was struggling up a hill with her shopping so m-in-law took her home. The lady almost had a cardiac from the shock of a spontaneous gesture of kindness rather than the steep hill. Oh P you are a softie.

electro-kevin said...

I go out jogging a lot and give the old 'uns a wide berth as I run past 'em from behind. But still they jump startled to one side at the last minute - I guess poor hearing and peripheral vision "Grr ya bugger" and a shaken fist.

Make Mine A Pimms said...

I have decided that I am a fan of you Mr P. I know this means nothing to you (you have fans a plenty) but I have decided to let you know nonetheless. Anyway, back to revision (yes, you were right before - I do have lots to do). xx (ps, changed my name- bsq was rubbish and I was on the phone to someone and they knew it was me -tis initals you see)

Mr Pineapples said...

Well - if it's not me auld mate Miss Pimms.

P always thought you were a discerning personality. The old name did not do you justice.


Now that's a name to celebrate - 'cos Pimms is one of Mr P's favourite tipples. Summer evening functions - a jug of the stuff - works well.

Mr P mostly has anti- fans - but none of them dares to have a pop at Mr P anymore.

Why a fan of Mr P all of a sudden?

What did He say that turned you around?